Not to be outdone by other, real sex bloggers I have set up an exclusive deal with a company interested in my reviewing their products and then publishing the results on my incredibly popular and much respected blog.
You may wonder what's in it for me. The answer is all the gadgets I can handle plus a 50kg jar of Swarfega!
I have been waiting impatiently for weeks for my first product to arrive. At last the delivery van pulled into the drive and I could barely contain my excitement as the van driver made his way to my door, staggering under the weight of the box he carried.
"Sign here, love," he wheezed, clipboard held out in one hand, the other rubbing his aching back.
I signed my name with a flourish and wasted no time in winching the parcel up to the bedroom.
I have to say, the Probulator 3000 is a mighty beast of a machine. It packs the kind of punch you just don't get from a small plastic battery-powered rabbit.
Simply kick start the 5 horse power engine (remember, girls, this little beauty takes diesel, not petrol, so do take care when filling her up!), don the safety goggles and then recline in erotic abandon. Let the fumes and vibrations transport you to a wonderful world of fantasy mechanics, lawnmower reveries and power tool passion.
It won't be suitable for everyone, of course. It does not fit into the bedside cabinet (or single bedrooms), it is a little on the noisy side (how many times can you say you're just popping upstairs to use the orbital sander on the floorboards for a bit?) and the vibrations might be a little on the powerful side for some (secure fragile ornaments before use). If you find even the lowest setting on the Probulator makes your fillings drop out I'd suggest you try sticking it under the mattress and sitting on a couple of pillows on top, which takes the edge off a bit.
All in all a beautiful and evocative self-loving session with only minor oil stains to remove from the rug and a bit of ceiling plasterwork to repair.
Next week: Luka strikes a deal with Fresh 'n' Fruity, her local greengrocers, and test drives a carrot, a cucumber and a punnet of plums.