Saturday, 19 January 2008

Sex Toy Review

The Probulator 3000
Not to be outdone by other, real sex bloggers I have set up an exclusive deal with a company interested in my reviewing their products and then publishing the results on my incredibly popular and much respected blog.
You may wonder what's in it for me. The answer is all the gadgets I can handle plus a 50kg jar of Swarfega!
I have been waiting impatiently for weeks for my first product to arrive. At last the delivery van pulled into the drive and I could barely contain my excitement as the van driver made his way to my door, staggering under the weight of the box he carried.
"Sign here, love," he wheezed, clipboard held out in one hand, the other rubbing his aching back.
I signed my name with a flourish and wasted no time in winching the parcel up to the bedroom.
I have to say, the Probulator 3000 is a mighty beast of a machine. It packs the kind of punch you just don't get from a small plastic battery-powered rabbit.
Simply kick start the 5 horse power engine (remember, girls, this little beauty takes diesel, not petrol, so do take care when filling her up!), don the safety goggles and then recline in erotic abandon. Let the fumes and vibrations transport you to a wonderful world of fantasy mechanics, lawnmower reveries and power tool passion.
It won't be suitable for everyone, of course. It does not fit into the bedside cabinet (or single bedrooms), it is a little on the noisy side (how many times can you say you're just popping upstairs to use the orbital sander on the floorboards for a bit?) and the vibrations might be a little on the powerful side for some (secure fragile ornaments before use). If you find even the lowest setting on the Probulator makes your fillings drop out I'd suggest you try sticking it under the mattress and sitting on a couple of pillows on top, which takes the edge off a bit.
All in all a beautiful and evocative self-loving session with only minor oil stains to remove from the rug and a bit of ceiling plasterwork to repair.
Next week: Luka strikes a deal with Fresh 'n' Fruity, her local greengrocers, and test drives a carrot, a cucumber and a punnet of plums.

16 comments:

having my cake said...

Wonders if the Probulator was the real influence behind the whole Princess and the Pea story.

Begins trying to expand into a whole post exploring the relationship between fairy tales of old and household objects as sex toys, starting with Snow White and her seven little friends.

Luka said...

Well, we all know why witches were depicted with broomsticks. And Cinderella's shoe was a metaphor for the female genitalia you know... Oh, and Sleeping Beauty was wakened with something far more carnal than a kiss. The origins of our fairy tales are fascinating, dark and full of sex and gore - the perfect antidote to our modern, Disneyfied versions.

Curvaceous Dee said...

I was laughing so hard reading this that Apollo called out concernedly from the bedroom. Poor dear. Never will he know that I was in paroxyms of laughter because of reading about a wonderful world of fantasy mechanics, lawnmower reveries and power tool passion.

*grin* Think I can review one too??

xx Dee

Luka said...

Dee - I don't see why not, as long as you can afford the postage and stain remover! xx

Tom Allen said...

I ordered the "green" version: it runs on compressed corn pellets and wood alcohol.

Luka said...

Tom - hello! That's a very environmentally sound option - but does it still pack the kind of wallop that rattles the teeth in your head?

moi said...

Aw hell no. It's all I can do to figure out batteries.

Ms Robinson said...

Is this self assembly because you know I gave up on Ikea as a student and have no understanding of such things. And getting a man to assemble it for me would defeat the purpose would it not?

Luka said...

Moi - I am writing to the manufacturers to ask about solar panels.

Ms R - it comes ready assembled, you only need to put sprocket A into flange B and tighten valve C. There is a diagram on the accompanying leaflet and not all of it is in Taiwanese.

bittersweet me said...

'it packs the kind of punch you just don't get from a small plastic battery-powered rabbit ...'

or, indeed, from the average man, by the sounds of it.

Walker said...

Makes quite the conversation piece and I bet it come with lots of attachments including a inflatable doll pump for those days when you are to winded to blow up the date

Luka said...

Me - it is the juggernaut of the phallic world.

Walker - it certainly breaks the ice at parties.

EmmaK said...

Use your loaf Luka! Try contacting washing machine manufacturers and get them to send you a free machine and then say you will write about how riding the machine during spin cycles got you off like no other toy!

Luka said...

Emma - I did use my loaf but the end got all soggy and...oh, right, I see what you mean.

Sulpicia said...

Your review was inspiring. (Heads out to the garage where she knows there's lots of diesel and gigantic machines. The man's away - Sulpicia will play. And no worries about staining the bed.) Thanks, Luka.

Luka said...

Sulpicia - that's the spirit! Remember your safety goggles though, and perhaps some ear defenders.