Monday, 31 December 2007

Top Tips for Male Sex Bloggers

  1. Be smug. Really arrogant. Write about how you could have countless women if you chose to (but no ugly ones, obviously). The smugger you are the more attractive to women you become and the more likely it is you will get a book deal.
  2. Be sure to illustrate your blog with soft porn. Nothing enhances a well-written piece of prose like a picture of a huge breasted 17 year old with her arse pressed up to the camera lens. Women love to see images of how they would look if they were made by Mattel and are far more likely to email nudie pics of themselves to you if you make sure you keep a smooth minged flapshot at the top of the page. Oh, and if you can build a big arse into the background and ensure the reader is unable to scroll past it, ever, as it moves with the cursor, that would be fantastic. Women really, really love that. Makes 'em wet.
  3. Only acknowledge comments from people you might get to shag, or at least exchange nudie photos with.
  4. Make a point of trying to have sex with as many other sex bloggers as you can. This enhances your reputation and makes you look like a GOD. Be sure to drop plenty of hints so the casual reader knows you have done so, otherwise the sex you had was pointless. Much as if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, sex with a blogger who doesn't blog it is lacking verification. You need those comments to let you know you really do have a cock, you really have done it with a lady!
  5. Betray no emotion. Emotion makes you look weak and your willy look smaller. Concentrate on the mechanics of sex (and illustrate it with a photo of a pneumatic blonde with a shaven minge) and how much the ladies gush their girl juices when you put your finger up their bum because you are that good at giving orgasms.
  6. Never engage in intelligent debate with women who don't appreciate just how sexually desireable you are. If they are not going to email you for the exchange of nudie photos and a possible meet then they are obviously hairy faced feminists with no tits who just want to make you look stupid.
  7. Your blog is your castle. You make the rules. You can write what you like about who you like and damn the consequences.
  8. All right, so if the consequences are bad, you can always build a bigger and better castle elsewhere.
  9. And put a new arse photo on it, bigger than ever!
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are listed everywhere and try to get as many award winning posts as you can. Stick more nudie pics up and if all else fails, invent your own sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the new girlie sex bloggers will want to keep in with you. You can't fail!

Friday, 28 December 2007

2007 Sex Blog Retrospective

January

What an explosive start to the New Year with arse pics galore and postings about sex! Many bloggers resolved to get really creative this year - maybe starting with some really arty shots of their own backside and more postings about putting things up their bottom in a hotel room. It was an optimistic beginning that left we, the readers, a-quiver with anticipation.

February

Ah, Valentine's Day - what a feast for lovers those Cupids of Sex-Blog-Land laid on for us this year. There were pink arse pics and postings about sex! Who could forget the romance of the tale of the cucumber up the ringpiece, or the spunky eyebrows?

March

March saw a return to the gritty realism that sex blogs do so well. There were spotty arse pics and postings about sex! I was particularly interested in the award-winning post about fisting for feminism in a Ford Fiesta. Stirring stuff.

April

Drip, drip, drip little golden showers....yes, a whole new world of watersports was unveiled as sex blogging took to the toilets and showed all of us dry-night vanilla types just what we were missing out on. Wet sheets, mostly. But kudos to those who bravely wrote of their piss-stained passions. And if that wasn't enough there were also ground breaking arse pics and postings about sex!

May

Spring was definitely in the air and so were many sex bloggers legs. As the sap continued to rise we were treated to some saucy arse pics and postings about sex! Fresh talent started to appear all over Sex-Blog-Land, with whole new perceptions to discover on how cucumbers feel up the arse and how good it is to have sex with a sexy person.

June

Half way through the year and still no sign of flagging from our tireless sex bloggers. Against all odds each day they still managed to come up with something new - perhaps an arse pic, or a post about sex! My personal favourite from June was the arousing story of how it feels to nosh off a stranger in a public lavatory whilst supposedly out picking up a pint of milk for the missus. A deserved Sugasm winnah, that one, I'm sure we all agree.

July

Oh, those suh-hum-mer.....NAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHTSSS........ Ah, Danny and Sandy never had as much fun as our depraved, sticky-fingered keyboard jockeys. Summer lovin' was having a blast, with hot arse pic action and postings about sex! And if you needed to cool down, there were many marvellous hints on how best to insert a cucumber into yourself or a loved one.

August

While many sex bloggers took a well-earned holiday there was still plenty of essential reading to be found online. If you were looking for something in the buttock department, there were arse pics aplenty, and some amazingly new and interesting posts about sex! The most fascinating post of the month had to be the revelation that if cucumber up the chuff is cool, then ginger in the fundament is hot hot hot! It certainly brought tears to my eyes.

September

The month of the literary sex blog. There were still arse pics and postings about sex, but in a blurry, obscure sort of way. The mindfuck was where it was at. The days of "he took me up the arse and I loved it," were over. The days of "he took me with his soul, my mind filled with billowing steam from the engine of his desire, and I loved it," were here. Readers weren't quite sure what had been put where, so just had to comment "beautiful and evocative" and go wank off on YouPorn.

October

As the nights grew colder and longer we could rely on our tireless sex bloggers to keep us warm. Cosy arse pics and snuggly postings about sex - what more could you need?

November

As winter set in, so did introspection. Angst was a common theme, with arse pics and postings about sex combined with a twinge of sadness. Kind of, "here is my arse - but why? We all want to stick things up it except for the person I married - what's that all about?"

December

Revelatory posts abound. Who'd have thought sex would be a different experience with different people? Or that Christmas could be so stressful? Thank goodness for our cutting edge sex bloggers. A whole year of posts and still they keep coming up with new insights, arse pics and posts about nobbing! Hurrah!

Sunday, 16 December 2007

A Few Good Men

I am blessed with good men in my life. I am doubly blessed in that I am married to one of them.

Reading through many blogs you could be forgiven for getting the impression that spouses tend to be callous, insensitive, unfulfilling bastards and that only lovers are gifted with sexual prowess and the ability to siginificantly dampen a duvet. After reading some authors you are left wondering why they married such an unsexy, joyless git in the first place, and why they remain if life is so fucking awful and red hot lover is so a-MAZ-ing. (Usually it's because despite being an insensitive, sexless destroyer of self esteem, the spouse pays the bills, keeps the roof over their heads and is good with the kids. But will they tie their other half to the bed and jam a sex toy up their arse whilst snarling "you love it, you dirty slut"? Will they fuck. The selfish cunts!)

Anyway, this little post-ette is just to say that I had one of the best evenings I have had in a very long time with......(fanfare).....my husband. It wasn't set in a hotel room, it wasn't illicit, it wasn't risky but it was warm and loving, companionable, sexy and fun. I wouldn't swap it for a room full of dildo-wielding casual fucks. (Actually, that is quite a scary image, and not many people would put a tick in that box).

I have not been drinking.

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Are Friends Electric

Some years back I was given a copy of The Sims, a computer game in which you manipulate virtual beings in a virtual world. In order for your virtual people to get ahead in their virtual life they had to forge relationships and make friends. This entailed engaging them in lengthy, inane conversations with other characters, so that their "friendship level" steadily rose until -bing! - they were now an official chum. The problem was you had to keep topping these relationships up, or the levels steadily dropped again and the friendship would be lost. So instead of just arsing around in the game having fun, you end up committing all your time and energy to an endless round of networking, trying to keep your numerous sprites topped up with friendly goodness. I found it all bum numbingly boring and ended up walling my Sims into a doorless room and letting them starve, the tedious fuckers.

The reason the Sims have been on my mind is that I find blogging can feel a bit like that frustrating networking malarky sometimes. I am not good at maintaining dozens and dozens of online acquaintances. I can keep up with a handful of blogs and bloggers, and then I've reached the limits of my time and capabilities. Others seem to tackle it all like a military campaign. They are all over the blogosphere, flirting, luring, self-promoting. How the fuck do they have time to actually do the things they blog about, given the vast numbers of sites they visit and comment upon? I am fucked when it comes to the networking stuff, as I still find it all as bum numbingly boring as I did in the Sims. I mean, I could visit numerous blogs and comment "LOL" or "that was beautiful and evocative" or "you are SO hot!" or "wow, it's like you're typing my pain with your fingers, writing my life with your words" or some other derivative platitude, but it would all be just so much white noise. A quick burst of static that means nothing other than "I am here! Come look at me and leave your own white noise, quick, before my popularity levels drop again!" Bollocks to that. If I leave a comment it will be because something engaged me sufficiently to get my lazy fingers typing. Or because I have been drinking. Either way it will be a genuine response.

Maybe I'm just not good at playing the game.

Monday, 10 December 2007

The Backseat Blues

Like so much it looked good from afar
The idea of a romp in the car
An uncomfortable blow job
Whilst stuck on the gear knob
Convinced me I need my Boudoir.

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Hobnob Session

I want you to watch me, chatting and laughing with all those other men. I want you to notice when I lick my lips, to see the line of my gaze, and know what I desire.

I want you to be the one to give me what I need.

I want you to make it how I love it - hot, wet and oh so sweet. Bring me tea. And a biscuit or two.

I want you to admire the way I sip that glorious liquid, my ruby red lips pressed to the porcelain as I drain your nectar. I want you to see how I swallow for you, swallow what you give me, again and again.

I want to hear your empassioned voice telling me how much I love it. Whisper to me as you bend over the coffee table with the tea tray. "You Biscuit Sucking Slut! You Tea Drinking Tart! Yeah baby, that's it, take it all!"

For you make the tea, and I drink it.

Sunday, 2 December 2007

Party Season Fun Quiz!

What kind of party animal are you? Will you be dusting off your dancing shoes and deciding which outfit to wear to the ball, or will you be sparking up your laptop and a cigarette for a more select get together online? Take my fun quiz to find out!

1. You are invited out for cocktails, but it clashes with your favourite TV programme. Do you:

A) Compromise by offering to host the cocktail party at your place instead.

B) Record the programme and go to the party, of course.

C) Watch the programme with your laptop on your knees and have a virtual cocktail party instead with your favourite blogging chums?

2. You're planning a dinner party. What's on your menu?

A) A home-cooked three course meal accompanied by carefully selected wines

B) Whatever the nearest takeaway is prepared to deliver

C) A pot noodle and a fag - the rest of the guests are online and in different continents after all?

3. You decide to play a party game. Is it most likely to be:

A) Charades

B) Spin the Bottle

C) A meme along the lines of "7 things no one knows you put up your bottom"?

4. Your favourite party outfit is:

A) Chic and exquisitely tailored

B) Colourful and fun

C) A Pot Noodle and fag ash stained dressing gown, a pair of bunny slippers and your laptop?

5. You decide to host a party of your own. Who is most likely to appear on your guest list:

A) Only your nearest and dearest friends and family members

B) All your friends, work colleagues and neighbours - the more the merrier

C) A couple of bloggers and that geezer you chat to on MSN?

So, how did you do? Tot up your scores to find out!

Mostly As - you are sociable and prefer quality over quantity when it comes to partying.

Mostly Bs - you are the life and soul of the party, full of fun and Bacardi Breezers.

Mostly Cs - you are a Firewallflower and should consider getting out more.