Thursday, 27 September 2007

Boring

It's all so fucking tedious! Dull dull dull dull.

I am off to have Real Life(tm) fun and am not coming back online until something interesting happens. Which, let's face it, is most likely to be my return.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Fun Quiz #4

What's your blogging personality? Are you really all that, or a bit of a twat?

Try my Fun Quiz to find out!

1. You are feeling in need of more attention. Do you:

A) Write a really thought provoking, interesting post to generate debate and get everyone talking to you
B) Decide to make a big "farewell cruel blog-world" post to generate "we'll miss you" comments that you won't be able to resist wallowing in and commenting on yourself
C) Get your arse out?

2. Satire is:

A) A literary genre, in which human or individual vices, follies, abuses, or shortcomings are held up to censure by means of ridicule, derision, burlesque, irony, or other methods, sometimes with an intent to bring about improvement.
B) Nasty filth
C) Best enjoyed with your arse out?

3. You are most proud of:

A) The friends you have made and the enjoyment you find through writing
B) Having impressive site stats and numerous top entries in the "This Is Good To Wank To" listings, even though it's pretty much the same list with the same "winners" and the same topics every week?
C) Your arse?

4. Literary posts are:

A) Well written, intelligent pieces that speak to everyone
B) Pretentious, incomprehensible self-absorbed, self-referencing bollocks that only special literary people in literary club should understand and be allowed to comment upon
C) A load of arse?

5. Reading parts of this quiz that you felt might possibly be applicable to yourself made you feel:

A) That Luka writes a lot of crap but it relieves the monotony
B) That Luka has RUINED YOUR LIFE!
C) That Luka should get her arse out?

So, how did you do? Tot up your scores to find out.

Mostly As: You are as normal and well adjusted a person as we are likely to find in the blogging world. You avoid conflict as a rule, but can argue your point eloquently should the need arise. You have lots of online fans/friends, but be careful not to veer into smug territory.

Mostly Bs: You are a twat.

Mostly Cs: You are cheerfully reliable in the way of the arse. You have many admirers and find you can defuse most situations with a carefully timed display of bum cheek.

Sunday, 23 September 2007

What Did I Miss?

Who got laid, who has strayed, who was somewhat dismayed?
Did anyone get in a fight?
Who was sad, who was bad, who behaved like a cad?
What dramas occurred out of sight?

Who walked out, who’s in doubt, who has put it about?
Has anyone posted their arse?
Who got kissed, was I missed, who got royally pissed?
Whose fancies have turned into farce?

Did you post, who wrote most, who appears to be toast?
Did anyone start a new blog?
Were you bored, or adored, did you win an award?
Who is finding a new horse to flog?

Who’s at rest, who was best, who’s had some sort of test?
Who’s not playing with a full pack?
Who was mean, who was queen, who was mostly obscene?
Just where do I start, now I’m back?

Saturday, 22 September 2007

The Bitch Is Back!

*Staggers into Boudoir wearing shades, a big hat and clutching a bottle of booze.*

*Presses play on CD player*:

"Did you miss me, yeah, while I was away, did you hang my picture on your wall?
Did you kiss me, yeah, every single day, although you couldn't kiss me at all?
And did you love me, yeah, like a good little girl, did you tell that naughty boy not to call?
Did you love me, yeah, in your own little world although you couldn't see me at all, although you couldn't see me at all?
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back."


*Dances in a glam rock strut sort of stylie*


*Has a bit of a sit down in a that-was-too-much-exercise-after a week-of-over-indulgence stylie*


As soon as I get unpacked and this bottle open I shall have a little peruse of the blogoverse to see what you've all been up to while I've been gadding about enjoying myself.

And then I shall take the piss out of it.

Hooray! I'm back!

Friday, 14 September 2007

Hooray Hooray It's a Holi-Holiday

I am going to leave you all for a week, while I take a trip to elsewhere.

I know you will miss me terribly, and that the sex blog world will seem emptier somehow without me pointing and laughing at it, but I am hoping you will all copy me in on what I'm missing while I'm away.

When you spot something interesting or amusing do flag it up in the comments box, so I can enjoy it when I return. Be eloquent. Be pithy. Enjoy yourselves. Oh, and the most beautiful and evocative comment will win a fantastic prize!*

So, see you all in a week! Be wicked, bad and naughty for me.

*Definitions of "fantastic" may differ from person to person.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Literate

I have taken a wander through self-professed literary blogs today. Here is what I have learned.

To qualify as "literate" you will need to include a lot of analogies in your writing and obscure your meaning as much as possible, so that your post resembles a prolonged cryptic crossword clue.

Oh, and the subject matter should be about yourself whenever possible and emphasise how very special you are.

If you are still in any doubt as to whether a blog is literary or not, here is a generic example to help you:

"I am like water. See how my surface sparkles in the light. Yet don't be fooled when you look into my liquid depths, it is only your reflection you see, not the inner me. I lie hidden in the abyss like a fish, some dweller of the ocean floor, formed under pressure, unique and unseen.

Or maybe you are the fish. Slippery and somehow wet. I am elemental, like fire. Or wind. I blow strongest when you are weak, like cheap tea. Like a fairground ride I go up and down. Admire my bright lights, listen to the music I make. Enjoy the ride and breathe me in, like oxygen. Don't try to understand me though. Like the deities I am a mystery. I can not tell you where I am, you must find me, follow my clues and dig me up, like treasure. See how my jewels glitter, desire my lustre on your skin, but don't try to wear me everyday, I am far too precious and rareified for that! I will draw you a map with the salt of my tears. But don't try to find me!"

And so on.

It has made me appreciate "and then I came all over her tits" a lot more, I can tell you.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

Wank Week Wound-Up

Forget WobblyArse, or FleshBot or whatever it's called.

Forget Sugasm/Oopsasm - even Shitasm.

There are really only two things that people wish to know from these repetitive circular lists:
1. Am I on it?
2. Which posts can I wank to?

Well, to save you all the bother of tiring your wanking hands and fingers any further, I am here with a new feature, the Wank Week Wound-Up.

Frankly, this week has been piss poor. Very little in the sexblogs I have perused (on your behalf, selfless type that I am) to inspire a spot of self abuse, I must say.

Best erotic prose goes to Amy, with this post. I reckon that should inspire a bit of rummaging around in a few people's undies. Plus, there are many images of bosoms, which is always good.

If bosoms aren't your thing and you prefer arse you could do worse than read Bittersweet Me on a Thursday.

If , like The Man, you prefer a shaven minge with a bit of metal through it you could have a read of this (or this or this). Don't know if it'll bring you off though. Perhaps someone could let me know if it does?

Other than those, it's all been the usual smug crap, with not even a jauntily inserted cucumber to brighten my day.

Saturday, 8 September 2007

The Licking Song

La la la la labia
A taste of honey on your lips
La la la la labia
So luscious when your passion drips.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Meow






There you go, Amy.

Pussy with attitude.

(Well, what else could I do with that meme? Other than posting a picture of my womanly parts, of course, and I'm saving that for HMT.)

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

A Friend in Need

Would a kick in the nuts help at all?
Would it help to arrest your downfall?
Would your anguish seem less,
If you suffered distress
Caused by my pointy shoe in your ball?

Would a kick up the arse do the trick?
Would it stop you from feeling heartsick?
Would it distract your brain
From emotional pain
If I work some boot/buttock magic?

Sunday, 2 September 2007

What's in a Meme?

The Man has tagged me, as he finds it impossible not to reach out and touch me, even when in another country, the filthy beast.

Blog Law says I really should make the effort and answer the list of questions below as everyone is just gagging to find out my inner thoughts on things like my favourite Spice Girl, or my hair. No, really, that's not me taking the piss, those are two of the more interesting questions. Look:

*What side of the heart do you draw first?

Well, we're off to a good start with a choice opener. Were these questions drawn up by American teenage girls, by any chance? There seems to be an assumption that we all wile away the hours doodling love hearts on our exercise books. Well, no, actually. Some of us are past that stage. I sit around all day doodling crudely drawn nobs onto historical figures in library books, like a proper grown up.

*Can you dive without plugging your nose?

Well, yes, anyone can. Whether anyone can do it without cruelly burning their sinuses as they fill their cranial cavities with water is another matter.

*What color is your phone?

Its colour, you mean? Hint O Smegma.

*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?

Fuck right off. Only those with no mental capacity for Thinking Things Through would believe this would be fun for more than a few minutes, no matter who the unlucky object of your tethered affections might be.

*Where are you right now?

The Land of The Bored, hence having to resort to this festering pile of donkey doo to try to alleviate the tedium.

*How do you feel about carrots?

Given my extensive research on such matters, I understand they are great up the arse, but not as good as cucumbers or ginger.

*How many chairs at the dining room table?

8 plus 2 benches. I entertain a lot at the Boudoir.

*Who is the best Spice Girl?

They're all shit. Sporty is less shit than the others. But she's still shit.

*Do you know what time it is?

Yes. It's the time this list really should have finished, as it's far too long.

*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

Never happen. I only take the lift.

*What's your favorite kind of gum?
Gun gum. Useful stuff.

*T or F: All is fair in love and war?

What the fuck is "T" or "F"? Trite? Fatuous? If so, then yes, T and F.

*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?

Argh! It's "don't know the meaning of"! Illiterate tag-list monkeys, you piss me off!

*Do you like to sleep?

Yes. I also like to eat and breathe and go to the toilet. Why, why, why is this 12 year old's list of wanky questions doing the rounds of all the sex blogs, why? We can't all be this bored, surely?

*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?

Why would anyone outside the US give a flying fuck? Can the creators of this tag-meme-thing even point to the US on a map of the world? That's what I'd like to know. Actually, no I wouldn't. I'm lying, I don't care.

*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down?

I always play it on my kazoo at parties.

*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?

I wouldn't mind a bright yellow moustache, that could be fun. I want to see if it would tickle anyone's fancy.

*What's something you've always wanted?

A Scalextric.

*Do you wear a lot of black?

Does rubber come in other colours?

*Describe your hair.

Big.

*Are you an adult?

Yes.

*Who is/are your best friends?

Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker. Sometimes I hang out with Ruby Cabernet.

*Do you have a tan?

No, it's just dirt.

*Are you a television addict?

I am down to just 20 televisions a day.

*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?

I enjoy spending time with my dear old ma, yes. "Mom" indeed. Tsk.

*Are you a sugar freak?

I am not sure what that is. Is it like the Elephant Man, made out of sugar lumps? I could make one but then I would be overwhelmed with pathos everytime I looked in the sugar bowl and tea time would become tinged with sadness.

*What is your favorite movie?

Shaun of the Dead.

*What's your sign?

Hump backed bridge.

*Where do you wish you were right now?

The pub.

*Who did you copy this from?

The Man. He made me do it. Him, there.

*How do you know them?

I found him rummaging through my knicker drawer at one of my Boudoir Book Club soirees.

*Would you have sex with them?

Hmmmmm...... He does have his own flogger as well as his own hair and I would be a prestigious notch on his bedpost, but it would be deeply unfair to ruin him for all other sex bloggers.

I am not tagging anyone else. I don't care what anyone elses favourite Spice Girl is or what colour their phone might be. I am very self-involved like that.