Monday, 27 August 2007

Back to School Challenge

Here is my composition for the delightful Ms Robinson's challenge, the details of which can be found here.


The Postman Always Knocks At No. 5


“I think this is yours,” I say with a smile
Handing over the brown cardboard box
“He brought it to me, though it says 'No. 3',
When nobody answered his knocks.”

“Have you opened this? Have you had a look?”
He examines the box for a sign.
“Because if you did, if you lifted the lid
Whatever you saw is not mine.”


“Well, really. I’m hurt. As if I would look.
You should know that I really don’t care
It means nothing to me, and I didn’t see
Your dildo and lace underwear.”

“They really aren’t mine, you nosy old cow!
These are items I’m hoping to sell.
It’s just a figurine, it’s nothing obscene,
And fabric to package it well.”


“I don’t give a stuff if you wear a bra,
With your 'figurine' stuck up your arse.
I know you obsess about wearing a dress
I see you at night through the glass.”

“My windows? Well, yes, you looked through my box
The word “private” means nothing to you.
You should get your own life, stop looking for strife
And get your own parcels to view.”

“Next time I’m asked if I’ll sign for your post
As it’s too big for your letter box,
I will tell him no way, just take it away.
Go pick up your own cocks and frocks.”

Swings and Roundabouts

Fuck, what a weekend at Swing Club!

Sadly, the first rule of Swing Club is we do not talk about Swing Club.

However, today is Slide Club. The first rule of Slide Club is wear shiny trousers, then you'll slide faster and no pushing on the steps.

Tomorrow: roundabouts!

Friday, 24 August 2007

It's Not Big and It's Not Clever

I have been - indirectly - accused of having a childish blog. I don't know why it was an indirect accusation as I am quite happy to be named and, presumably, shamed.

The question is, when you have a tiny little blog, like the Boudoir, with a small, yet select, number of regular readers, can you really have that much of a detrimental effect on a Goliath of a blog, with thousands of readers who will return and enjoy regardless of what I may or may not post on here?

Does it really have that much of an impact?

I began the Boudoir because I was unable to post my opinions freely on certain blogs. I discovered that if you held an opinion contrary to that of the author, if it didn't perpetuate the myth, if it pricked the fantasy bubble, it would be deleted. That frustrated me a great deal. Still, I was informed, their gaff, their rules.

So I decided to open my own gaff, where I could post as I chose, say what I liked and no-one could delete me. It has been more popular than I thought it would be. I think I sometimes say what others are thinking but feel unable to post for fear of finding themselves outside the inner circle. You can only post comments that support and agree on most blogs. Debate is something which simply never happens. I don't believe that's healthy.

I am more than happy to argue my case with anyone. The situation now is much as it was at the genesis of the Boudoir, with certain parties rending their garments and wailing "not fair! Luka is a big bully!"

No, Luka is not a bully. And nor are her commenters. There is such a thing as Free Speech (you may have heard of it). If someone does something that seems silly, anyone of us is at liberty to say "that was silly and made me laugh." If you post in the public domain, if you harbour dreams of one day being A Real Writer, then you'd better get used to a few dissenting opinions, and fast. I am a pussycat compared to Real Life, believe me.

I will tell it like it is. I will happily hold my hand up and confess my sins. I would welcome a debate, a discourse on the rights and wrongs of lampooning sex bloggers. The truth is, those who bleat the most, will also never, ever take me on in a reasoned, fair argument. They would argue it is because I am far too childish, too babyish, to bother with. I would argue it's because I would run rings around them and still have time for a couple of nob jokes.

Still, here I am. I am waiting for that intelligent debate. Would anyone care to tell me why it is wrong to poke fun at some people, but not others? What is the difference between lampooning the practice of figging (and it was the practice, not the person, you'll note), and, say, lampooning the entire male population, just as an example? I am most interested in the frank and honest exchange of opinions on this one.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

History Repeating

One of my earlier posts touched upon this subject. The way that, once the basic sexual scenarios have been exhausted, the average sex blogger has to turn to other methods to keep their readers interested, with varying degrees of success.

For those of you who have been following another blog elsewhere you may, now, be familiar with the sexual practice of "figging". In essence, this is where you insert a "finger" of peeled ginger root into the anus, to induce a harmless, but intense, burning sensation.

What is less well know is that the word originates from a much older term, "feague", the definition of which is:

"To feague a horse; to put ginger up a horse’s fundament, and formerly, as it is said, a live eel, to make him lively and carry his tail well."

Basically it was a trick used to present an old, tired beast as a younger, livelier model.

It is interesting to see the old practice of sticking ginger up the ringpiece to try to flog a dead horse is alive and well in blogland.

Spicy HMT!

Continuing my kitchen-based HMT themes, and having explored the sensual delights of clingfilm and tin foil, I have now been inspired to investigate the spice rack.

Yes, ma belle muse has once more worked her magic, and I am left giddy with the possibilities of sticking new and wondrous culinary items into my various orifices.

The humble cucumber, a favourite of organic produce lovers for years, has been relegated back to the salad drawer. Now there's a new kid in town - the ginger root!

I scoured my kitchen cupboards, looking for anything ginger, so I could discover what this "figging" business is all about. All the cool kids are doing it.

Sadly I had no fresh ginger in the house. Damn.

Ok, what else was there? I unearthed this:

which has ginger in it, but I suspected it wasn't really up to the job.

I paused and pondered. Hmmmmm.... Spice.... Ginger... Ginger....Spice...
OK, perhaps not. Silly idea. She is so far up her own arse I am not sure she'd be ready to adventure up anyone elses. Though I am quite sure she would sting a bit.

No, I must have something in the back of the cupboard that would do the trick.

Aha! Could have been made for me! The Lazy Luka I'm-not-actually-gonna-stick-anything-stupid-up-my-arse option!

Happy Half Mental Thursday! More in depth thoughts on this subject matter to follow later!

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

The Gift

Fuckola!

I know I enjoyed the cucumber post a lot.

But this, this is something special, that came in a beautiful box, gift-wrapped, with a bow. A thing of beauty to savour. Figging. With pic! Oh, thank you all the blogging deities and spirits of satire, thank you! Oh, my sweet muse, you never fail to deliver.

I have laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Tomorrow I get creative. Tonight I just lie back and enjoy my gift.

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Blogasm

"I'm very orgasmic, I am" she wrote
"I can come just from reading a text.
I don't need your hands
On my mammary glands
Just some chat, cos I'm that highly sexed."

"I'm ever so manly, I am" he wrote
"You could come just from reading my blog.
Read how I'm hung
How I'm skilled with my tongue
And a right horny old Alpha dog."

"Oh, I'm such a cynic, I am" I wrote
"And I have to be perfectly frank.
I don't masturbate
When I read how you're great
And the irony is it's all wank."

Thursday, 16 August 2007

Now Hiring

Situation vacant
Confidant required
Must have sense of humour
Delight me and you’re hired

You’ll be working online
Most evenings, some weekends
Putting in the hours reaps
Rewards and dividends

Situation vacant
Please enquire within
Uniform provided
Fits like a second skin

Candidates are welcome
To send in their CV
Interviews will follow
Come sit upon my knee

Situation Vacant
To keep me entertained
Send your application
And you’ll be fully trained

Half Mental Thursday


Yes, it's Happy HMT time again. Today I have moved away from clingfilm and tinfoil and headed into more traditional territory. This is purely because I have run out of time and kitchenware. I considered doing something creative with a couple of pans, but just couldn't be arsed. It's been a very long day. For more of a Half Mental effect you could try imagining I am wearing a luxuriant comedy moustache and those glasses that have eyes on springs.

Ooh, unless, of course, you can think of something better!

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Introducing The Banned

It's still fairly early days for The Boudoir, though I have had an online presence in many differing forms and formats since the 90s. In that time, along with making some fantastic friends, I have also had spirited arguments, a few feuds and encountered my fair share of total twats.

However, I have never banned anybody from my forums, or even deleted so much as a comment.

I don't mind if people disagree with me. I enjoy a good debate, an argument, a ruck. It fires my synapses and I spark and fizz. I don't mind if people are rude. It doesn't make me look bad, and it means I can dive deep, really plumb the depths, to be as gratuitously offensive in return as I possibly can.

I'm trying to think what would make me ban somebody, other than them posting obvious spam or illegal images.

What are everyone else's thoughts on the subject? Have you ever deleted a comment? Or banned somebody altogether? And if so, why? Or why not?

Monday, 13 August 2007

A Lengthy Reply

The Man With Secrets said (in a comment on No Comment - A Tale of Two Bloggers)

"Don't you just love the way that a post - nay, a blog - that targets blog cliquiness has managed to build its own clique of resolutely non-cliquey folk, busily deriding every perceived clique, other than, er, that is, their own. Ironic. Just an observation. As our gorgeous hostess would say, needed saying, I think."

This is a blog that targets anything that stimulates me sufficiently to type about it. I am very liberal with my venom. It is not a limited resource. I wouldn't define the Boudoir as a blog that targets blog cliquiness, rather that this is a blog that targets certain cliquey behaviour from time to time. And, ultimately, of course, some cliques generate far more to point and laugh at than others.

I have yet to spot the Boudoir clique. Maybe it's so cliquey I'm not even in it. There are those that comment fairly regularly, but they tend to comment elsewhere as well. So far, to the best of my knowledge, there have been no Boudoir based posts about how we all want to live together in a meringue castle, with marshmallow clouds, and have fabulous sex with each other, in between writing our literary masterpieces. I'm checking the archives, but I haven't spotted a single reference to the Boudoir elite being an "inner circle" that none shall penetrate. Which is a shame, as I could do with a laugh. I shall ask the gimp to keep his eyes peeled, though, in case the clique are hiding under my bed, designing hilarious t-shirt slogans ("Boudoir Bitches!") or something.

When I do spot any derision-worthy behaviour you can rest assured I will be eagerly composing something barbed and fabulous, regardless of where it occurs.

Sunday, 12 August 2007

Shitasm #7

Sun 12th August, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them.

Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #8? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using the comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

Response to "Posting Typsy"
(twentyfoursevends.blogspot.com)
"I thinl AMy coukld handle double penetration. I notice my little cunt isn;t twalking about THAT yet. God. The second Maragarita is getting to me."

Tattered Remnants
(literaryfilth.blogspot.com)
"His touch. My sigh. We are light, we are oxygen. We are beautiful and evocative. I cry. He cums on my tits and leaves."

Arse!
(the-man-with-tourettes.blogspot.com)
"Bollocks! Arse! Big fat hairy elephant fannies!"

No Comment - a Tale of Two Bloggers

"You never comment on my blog!"
She huffed a bit and sighed.
"And that means that you don't like me,"
She stamped her feet and cried.

"But," he ventured, quite perplexed
"You know that isn't true.
I write about you all the time
And chat for hours too."

"Not good enough!" she snapped, in tears
"You commented elsewhere.
You comment on your other friends
The ones I won't go near."

"I'm Alpha Male!" asserted he,
While puffing out his chest.
"I comment where the hell I like
And where I think it best."

She lectured him, she whinged and whined
She spat her dummy out
"All right," said he, defeatedly
"I'll write away your doubt."

He commented on every post
She'd written the past week
So now she knows just what to do
To keep her Alpha meek.

I see all this and shake my head
Watch Utopia fade
The inner workings of the clique
Are not as they're portrayed.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

HMT again!

Yes, it's Half Mental Thursday again. Where does the time go?

As (stupidly) promised last week, here are my clingfilm bloomers. I can confirm that my buttocks were as fresh when I removed the clingfilm as when first I wrapped them. Well done, Extra Wide Clingfilm!

As an aside, I just want to say a respectful "hats off to all those who manage to photograph their own arse and keep it in focus". I failed in that department, and so - to the great relief of all concerned - pictures of my own arse will not become a regular feature of the Boudoir.

All other forms of arse remain.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

The Alpha Bet

Say it with conviction
Measure every word
Practice til you’re certain
You do not sound absurd

Keep up with me, match me
Try to walk my walk
Can you fit in my shoes?
Back up the fancy talk?

Why this competition?
Anyone can see
However hard you try
You can’t out-alpha me

Monday, 6 August 2007

Katalogosophobia

As I am a benevolent soul, I shall save you the bother of googling it and let you know that the above means a fear of lists.

In itself, a list should be nothing to fear. A list is functional, a useful tool for imparting necessary information clearly and swiftly. Lists, to my mind, are not really a form of entertainment being, as they are, inherently dull. Lists are lazy ways to fill space (which is why they are such a popular feature in Sunday supplements and magazines).

My katalogosophobia kicks in whenever I go a-wandering through blogland. It is a list-filled minefield. From the dreaded meme ("8 Tedious Things About Me You Didn't Know and Never Wanted To!"), to the irritating Sugasm, to the Sex Blogger Special - the lovers list.

You know the kind of thing: "And then there's Neville, who is my soulmate and confidante. He likes to be tied to the radiator and pelted with cream buns. So different to dark, brooding Hector, with his artistic temperament. He loves to paint his bollocks black and rest them on my eyelids while I fellate him. He calls this his Panda Passion Performance. Then there is Tim..." And so on for a good few scroll downs.

This type of list is a form of validation, I suppose. A way of saying "Look! Look at all these people who found me attractive enough to fuck me! Am I not desireable? Am I not exciting? Do you not want a slice of this action?"

Which is fair enough. And it works, the comments soothe and reassure. Yet I am still left with my aversion. Maybe my attention threshold is simply too low. Or maybe I just don't have much interest in any list I am not topping.

Friday, 3 August 2007

Shitasm #6

Fri 3rd August, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #7? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

Slut is a Feminist Issue
(hairyarmpits.blogspot.com)
"And the reviewer had the cheek to say we'd be better off reclaiming the word "dull" since our endlessly dreary posts on the subject had taken them to new levels of understanding of the word!"

Fanny By Gaslight
(victorianvalues.blogspot.com)
"Excuse me, young man, but you appear to have your moustache in my woman's area."

Luka's Bazookas
(barbedwireboudoir.blogspot.com)
"Would I be less of a bitch
If someone would scratch my itch?
Would I stop causing a ruck
If I simply had a fuck?"

Thursday, 2 August 2007

Condensed Blog #2

So many blogs to read, so little time. So many bloggers have so very little to say and yet take so very fucking long to say it. Have you ever wished there was a way to absorb the essence of some of the lengthier posts on certain blogs without having to wade through pages of what looks like the rejected dialogue from the script for Mean Girls? Well, look no further, your prayers are answered!

***

Smug Girls Who Think They're It
Sex and insecurity, infused by the lame

Smug, Catty and Deadheaded

"I just laughed so hard I think I dislodged my cucumber."
"We're great, aren't we?"
"Oh yes."
"Better than them."
"Especially that one."
"He met them both this week you know."
"Yes. But we will meet him and have a Big Fuck Fiesta. We win!"
"Do you think anyone will realise we really are this transparently insecure?"
"No, we are far, far too clever for anyone to spot that!"

HMT

Welcome to Half Mental Thursday.
The benefits of tinfoil hats have long been known by certain members of the community. They not only stop the government/space aliens/hamsters controlling your thoughts with their electro-magnetic waves, they also give you a jaunty space age look as you queue at the post office.
I have decided to take it a step further and create a tinfoil bra, to prevent outside forces controlling my bosoms. In this respect it does work. Unlike my usual scaffold-like support garment the tinfoil bra leaves my bosoms completely uncontrolled and eventually falls off altogether.
Next week: clingfilm bloomers!

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

The Thing Is...

You dust your lies with glitter
I have never been impressed
You think that means I'm bitter
I am sure that means I'm blessed

I love my independence
And I don't follow the herd
Few deserve my reverence
And your words leave me unstirred

It doesn't mean I'm joyless
If I find no joy in you
It only means I possess
An alternate point of view