Monday, 30 July 2007

What Happened Next?

An image appears, transmitted through the magic of MSN, onto the laptop screen before me.

"Oh my god!"

"Like what you see?"

"That wallpaper! I haven't seen anything like that since the 70s."

"LOL. But what about...this!"

"What?"

"This. It's all for you, you know."

"Hang on, I'll just make it full screen. Oh yes. Goes well with your wallpaper."

"What are you wearing?"

"A Fat Slags t shirt and big knickers."

"Can I see?"

"Why would you want to?"

"Are you touching yourself yet?"

"Oh yes."

"Let me see. Put your cam on."

"I haven't got a cam."

"Then why do you have a webcam icon next to your pic?"

"Oh, that webcam. It's broken. It only shows bored women eating cheese."

"Just put it on."

"OK."

"What kind of cheese is that, anyway?"

"Stinking Bishop."

"So, you going to take your top off?"

"I have. I am completely naked and saucing myself up as we type. Sadly, with my webcam being broken as I explained earlier, all you can see is a bored woman eating cheese."

"But I'm really horny!"

OK, readers, over to you. What do you think happened next?

Saturday, 28 July 2007

Go For It - Or, Rather, Don't.

One of the things the tight-knit sex blog community prides itself upon is the support fellow authors give to each other. Here, at last, are safe spaces where people can post their innermost desires and fantasies and not be judged. They can share the kind of personal details no-one in their real lives would ever be privy to. Here, in the anonymity of cyberspace, they can reveal what it takes to make them orgasm, what they like to insert into their various orifices, whether they like to rim, if they swallow all the spunk or let some dribble out, and how many stripes they wish to have caned across their arses.

The spirit of sharing is wonderful. The support given to each revelatory post is outstanding. "Bravo!" read the comments. "Oh, you lucky slut! I'm so envious!" And so on.

Occasionally I will read something that sets all my alarm bells jangling. I have read posts that truly shock me. Not the ones designed to shock, of course. I mean, yeah, yeah, so you got tied up and spunked over by 5 different men and all with an avacado up your arse. What do you want, some kind of award? (Well, you're in luck - I am sure some cybertwat somewhere is designing a crap meme-style Shockin' Blogger award you can gush all over at this very moment.)

No, sometimes I read something and think "You can't be serious. Surely you must know you have gone insane." Yet when I read the comments beneath, the sex blogging community have posted a very different verdict: "Wow! Hot stuff! Go for it!"

Which is all very well if you're posting about maybe buying some new thigh boots and a corset, or possibly shaving your pubic hair into a love heart or something. But when it's a post about meeting a stranger for sex because your cyber dom told you to, or about taking the kind of risks that could well end in a world of hurt for all concerned, or about the pain you've caused, or the cycle of abuse you want to escape and yet keep flinging yourself back into - when it's that kind of post you would hope at least one commentator would have the courage to speak up. Just one person to swim against the tide and say, "Actually, no. Don't go for it. It sounds grim and will most likely end badly."

Maybe the real friends do so in email and the blog posts and accompanying comments paint a false picture. I don't know. All I do know is that I read the "you should do whatever makes you feel sexiest" style comments and despair at the one-dimensional faux-hedonism of it all. What kind of advice is that? Yeah, do it! If anyone gets hurt, at least you got to do what makes you feel sexy! You might end up dead in a ditch, or divorced, or disillusioned and alone, but at least you got to do something that people you don't know pretended to feel aroused by! Woo!

It's a great little community.

How Not to Play

"Stand."

"You stand."

"I am standing!"

"Ah. Do you want me to fetch a box or something?

********

"Strip."

"You strip."

"I already have!"

"Ah. I thought that was a mohair jumper."

Friday, 27 July 2007

Shitasm #5

Fri 27th July, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #6? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

Lord of the Ringpiece
(all-of-middle-earth-wants-my-ass.blogspot.com)
"Oh, so many alpha males desperate for a slice of my hot botty action. But there is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power."

Blogging my Flogging
(damngoodthrashing.blogspot.com)
"Ow! You fucker. I only bent over to pick up the paper."

Shaven Haven
(baldybits.blogspot.com)
"I sit on the seat, her in front of me. I tried it with her behind me but it just wasn't the same. I run my tongue, searching, flickering like a strobe light. I'm concerned she might have a fit so I stop. I pull up her right leg to rest her ankle, stork-like, on my shoulder, revealing her birds nest of pubic hair, wiry and abundant and everything me and my Remington Fuzzaway have been saving ourselves for."

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Odd Ideas of Femininity

Following on from my post below, I have been pondering these odd perceptions of femininity that still persist today.

Do sex toys need to be de-sexualised in order for them to be accepted by some women? Or is this simply a marketing myth on a par with the desire to disguise sanitary products as sweeties and the belief that vaginas themselves should be disguised as pine forests, with the liberal application of chemical sprays?

I believe these ideas persist because they tap into that same rich vein of shame that the purveyors of such products have drained for decades. The message is repetitive and unchanging: as a woman you shouldn't feel proud of your vagina or your sexuality.

You should be concerned about odours. You need some FemFresh, scented tampons and a handy wipe. Then when your poor chuff rebels at all the harsh chemicals, the same manufacturers can flog you some thrush cream.

You should be concerned that other people - other women, even - might know that you menstruate. They must never know! If they see you carry sanitary products in your bag you will be a social pariah and no man will ever want you. You need to wrap it all up in ribbons and bows to make it safe and non-bloody.

You should be concerned that the urge to be penetrated with a phallus of some description, to want to have an orgasm by yourself, makes you a strumpet. You need something cute to take the edge off such raw power. Then it keeps it not sexy, really, not adult, really. You can remain infantilised, your sexuality trivialised. (Male sex toys, I note, have no cutesy bunny equivalent.)

Worryingly, it seems you should even be concerned that your vulva doesn't look like those you see in pornography, given the rise in popularity of labiaplasty.

I am not sure why these ideas persist, or why women keep buying into them. It really is ok to have a cunt that smells like a cunt. I don't expect cock to smell like a summer meadow (though I do have a hankering for spunk that tastes like chocolate).

It's ok for people to know you menstruate. It's not a secret. I have only encountered one man, the husband of a friend of mine, who was so distressed by the concept that he insisted she hide her sanitary products where they would not offend his sight while sitting on the bog. I suggested she hide the toilet rolls also, as they eventually get covered in shit, which is far worse.

It is ok to have sex toys that look like they were made for your cunt, rather than looking like they were made by the Early Learning Centre.

And it is more than ok to have a normal body, in all its imperfect glory. Big flaps are fun! Put it on a t-shirt and spread the word.

Monday, 23 July 2007

Animal Lover


I don't get off on frotting myself against the faces of small animals. I can see a fluffy bunny or a dolphin and feel no urge at all to shove its visage into my groin. This is great, as I can happily visit pet shops or the Sea Life Centre with no fear of social embarrassment.

So why do the manufacturers of sex toys feel that an animalistic theme is the optimum design for a vibrator? Maybe the designers have had particularly odd experiences with the women in their life. Maybe they came in, sat down at the drawing board and came up with a couple of designs. A tough choice had to be made. Dick,
or Disney? "You know," muses the designer, "before they locked her up, my missus really got off on sea mammals. And rodents. Loved 'em. This is definitely What Women Want."

But I don't. I don't want my sex toys to have faces. Not the ones made of silicone anyway.




Sunday, 22 July 2007

Condensed Blog #1

Some blog posts are just far, far too wordy for an incredibly busy and important person such as myself to be bothered with. My time is valuable and any post that involves having to scroll down more than a couple of times has to be pretty fucking amazing to hold my attention or be worth the energy expended by my poor, overworked finger.

And chances are that if the post title includes a Roman numeral, and is part eleven of an unending series of tedious, drawn out, wank fantasies masquerading as Proper Writing, it is probably not going to be worth the bother.

However, if you are still not convinced, as a public service, I am prepared to offer up a condensed version so you can decide if reading the entire post would be a wise investment of your time.

********

Reprobate in a Tutu
The Nudie Ladies VIII, Chapter 18

There were all these nudie ladies, and I nobbed the lot of them. When I stopped nobbing them they got all lesbotic with each other before letting me nob them again.

It was great!

Log in tomorrow for the next enthralling chapter!

Saturday, 21 July 2007

Weary

I could be a sex goddess
If I wasn’t quite so tired
Finishing the washing up
Has left me uninspired

I could put my stockings on
But I simply can’t be arsed
I did consider lipstick
But now the moment’s passed

I could play with you, lover
I don’t have the energy
It’s so hard to stay awake
When playing just with me

I could be a dynamo
But if you take me to bed
I’ll lie down and close my eyes
And fall asleep instead

I could have such a passion
If I only had some rest
I’d wear my boots and corset
And not this thermal vest

I could fuck you all night long
If you help me, there's no doubt
Then I won’t be so knackered
And we both can be shagged out

Friday, 20 July 2007

Shitasm #4

Fri 20th July, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #5? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men
(UltraBriteWhitePermaTanMan.blogger.com)
"You do look good without makeup, just not as good as I look with it."

Won't You Take Me To Spunky Town?
(spodgerama.blogspot.com)
"Well that's not going to wash out in a hurry."

Room Service
(titsfortips.blogspot.com)
"'Just leave the tray there,' I breathed, tugging my towel off in one fluid motion and hanging it on the bellboy's magnificent bellend."

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Bad Text Sex

>Are you touching yourself?

>Oh yes.

>Where?

>In the car park at Asda.

>Are you wet?

>Yes, it's raining.

>What are you wearing?

>High heeled shoes, seamed stockings, a tight black pencil skirt and a fitted blouse, buttons undone to show just a hint of the lacy basque I have underneath. And a thong.

>Really?

>No, not really.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

A Brawl at the Boudoir

"That was some party," I mused, surveying the wreckage. Tables and chairs, overturned, glasses shattered, fallen bottles still leaking their sticky contents into the shagpile rug. There appeared to be a crudely drawn moustache on my portrait above the fireplace and someone had been sick in the aquarium.

"It's going to be quite a long day for you," I said to the Maid. "You'd best get started."

I sat and watched as she resignedly began to pick the cigarette butts out of the foie gras. Fuck me, but that was a humdinger of a brawl, last night.

It had all started so well. A select gathering. A few drinkies. A bit of chit chat, the chink of glasses. Very pleasant. Then someone said something about someone else being a clueless wanker and before I could say "mind the vol au vents" I was wearing a bowl of sherry trifle and grinding Quavers into somebody's hair.

Fucking Book Club.

Fun Quiz #3

Are you a Cyberama Drama Queen? Take this fun quiz to spot the danger signs:

1. You are chatting online with a chum when they disagree with your opinions on fisting. Do you:

A) Ask them why they disagree and read their answers carefully, so you can argue effectively.
B) Send them 43 different links to websites backing up your opinion and relentlessly present your case until they admit that you are right and they are woefully misguided.
C) End the conversation immediately, block them, delete them from your list of contacts and message everybody else in your address book to say you've closed your blog, have had enough and are leaving forever?

2. You are browsing the web when you read a post on a blog that you find personally offensive. Do you:

A) Navigate away from that page and onto something to make you smile
B) Leave a comment, politely pointing out what you found offensive and why
C) Send them an email telling them that they are going to burn in the fiery pits of hell, probably with some sort of pointy device up their ringpiece, and finish by proclaiming there's no point in responding as you've closed your blog, have had enough and are leaving forever?

3. You have unwittingly upset a number of people but don't quite know why. Do you:

A) Contact them individually to talk through what the problem might be
B) Post a generic apology and plea for understanding - you never meant any harm, after all
C) Contact them en masse with a "send to many" wounded text, emphasising how very hurt you are by this whole situation before closing your blog as you've had enough and are leaving forever?

4. You have unwittingly told people in your real life about your secret blog. Do you:

A) Accept it with a sense of fatalism - it had to happen sooner or later, especially given the big fuck off clues you dished out
B) Contact the people in your real life to ensure their discretion
C) Contact everybody you know with a "send to many" panicked text, explaining that you have been discovered and will be closing your blog as you've had enough and are leaving forever?

5. Completing this Fun Quiz has made you:

A) Bored
B) Late
C) Close your blog because you've had enough and are leaving forever?

How did you score?

Mostly As - You avoid the drama queen scene and are calm, cool and collected.
Mostly Bs - You can be feisty when necessary, but prefer a considered approach.
Mostly Cs - I am amazed you are still here.

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Blameless

I really didn't mean it
It was with a pinch of salt
I need someone to chaperone
Absolve me of my fault.

I don't believe I hurt you
My concern is all for me
I'll post your pain upon my blog
This is no apology.

I am feeling rather tired
So I can't be held to blame
I am innocent entirely
This must be some female game.

Your friendship was quite useful
When nobody else was there
Now I sit at the top table
Am I making myself clear?

Behave, be good, be different
But just don't be who you are
My girlfriend doesn't like you
This is what we hate so far.

I am mystified you're hurt
Aren't you made of sterner stuff?
So I wanted you at war
There is no need for a huff.

I like to keep you fighting
Then you'll never compare notes
Then I can say "Oh! Over me?"
And my blighted ego bloats.

I'm innocent, a victim
I am busy and I'm stressed
I have it worse than anyone
And it's so bad it's the best.

I don't know why you're angry
Or why they're all fucked off too
It must be mass hysteria
And I don't know what to do.

I've used up my excuses
And the whole thing starts to sag
It is lonely in Utopia
But at least I got a shag.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Comments I Haven't Posted

Sometimes I am unable to post a comment for various reasons. It might be that I know the author of a particular blog thinks I am worse than Hitler and tends to delete my comments, or it could be that I decide not to cause unrest, or it could just be that I couldn't be arsed at the time or was too drunk.

Some comments just linger in my mind, though, and must find an outlet. So here they are, my random outbursts that have no other home.

  • Hooray! Don't let the door hit your arse on your way out!
  • You're a twat.
  • Trying to care....trying to care....No, still don't care.
  • When you say "how lucky that person is, about whom you just wrote so beautifully and evocatively" we all know you are referring to yourself. There is no air of mystery to it. It is as obvious as you are. Just say "thanks" and stop being so wanky.
  • You're not lovely, you're a twat.
  • Ye-e-es, I am sure you do want that, but why illustrate it with a picture of an airbrushed, paintshopped-to-beyond-perfection nude? I know what naked ladies look like. I can read your scenario and imagine a naked lady. I don't need an illustration. Well, not one that looks so far removed from the reality of the truly erotic naked ladies I am familiar with.
  • Bollocks.
  • Being smug doesn't make you an "Alpha Male" it just makes you a twat.
  • I have seen more erotic imagery in the cat's litter tray.
  • Twat.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Blogging Award for Being so Exceptionally Great

Wow. Well, fuck me.

I've only gone and awarded myself an award.

On my stumbles around the blogoverse I have noticed these meme style awards cropping up in clusters like some kind of herpes outbreak. They are swapped back and forth within genre circles and are less to do with being awarded for great writing, than for being awarded to people who think you, personally, are great. An important distinction, as no one is going to hand it on to someone who has a widely differing set of values to themselves.

With that in mind, I have decided to create, after a gruelling 10 minutes in Paint Shop Pro, my very own award. I am going to hand it out at random and I don't give a fuck if you hand it on to another 5 bloggers or disregard it entirely. My award is going to recognise truly individual blogs, who offer a unique viewpoint and are not part of the common herd.

Viva La Revolution!

Friday, 13 July 2007

Shitasm #3

Fri 13th July, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #4? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

Bathtime
(soapytitwank.blogspot.com)
"'It's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I like,' he gasped defiantly."

Greengrocers Do It Organically
(I'm-a-hit-with-the-ladies-I-am.blogspot.com)
"'Shut it, you dirty slut!' I snarled, brandishing the cucumber aloft. 'You know where this is going. Yeah, that's, right. Straight in your blog, you dirty tart !'"

Trouser Teepee
(twang.blogspot.com)
"It's all right for you, but this is playing havoc with my underpant elastic. I've accidentally shut it in the fridge twice, and I don't dare try using the lift. I'm knackered."

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Really Real Kinky Slut Adventure #1

I am on an airbed in the back of his ice cream van. My hair sticks up at crazy angles, sticky with the gooey spendings from his Mr Whippy dispenser. Black tape binds my wrists and ankles, colourful hundreds and thousands stick to my sweaty skin, there are two ice cream cones affixed to my nipples, Madonna's corset style, and I have a Cadburys Flake up my arse. He 69-ed and then he 99-ed me. The filthy bastard. And that was just the start! Things then got seriously kinky!
Luckily he took photos throughout our afternoon of delight. See. That proves it. I'm so up for it and men really like doing it with me.


More evocative and beautiful adventures soon, kink fans!

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Fun Quiz #2

How pervy are you?

In these days of sex blogs and Cosmopolitan it's hard to know if you're still a bit kinky or now regarded as the norm. Simply answer the questions below to discover the inner you.

1. A friend of yours pops up in a chat window. They are definitely flirting with you. There have been "lol"s and winky smileys and everything. Do you:

A) Steer the conversation back onto safer territory. They are just a friend, after all.
B) Flirt right back, with lashings of innuendo and saucy repartee.
C) Immediately strip off, smear yourself with Nutella, switch on the webcam and wank yourself frenziedly whilst continuing to type with one finger to your msn buddy?

2. Sexy attire is:

A) Classic, well cut and figure flattering.
B) Tight and revealing.
C) A leather harness, fishnet stockings and a pony tail butt plug?

3. Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. Do you:

A) Snuggle up close as you share a croissant.
B) Lick jam from your lips alluringly with the promise of more oral delights to follow.
C) Rub butter all over your body and insert toastie soldiers into your marmite motorway whilst your lover drips hot egg yolk onto your nipples and takes photos?

4. When enjoying precious alone time and indulging your sensuous side you're most likely to be found:

A) Reading a passionate novel in an aromatherapy bath.
B) Indulging in some solo sex play with the stimulation of your choice.
C) Being broadcast over the internet via your webcam with a pair of used knickers on your head and a cucumber up your arse?

5. Completing this quiz made you feel:

A) That this was 2 minutes of your life you'd never get back.
B) Mildly amused.
C) The need to buy more cucumbers and rummage through the laundry basket?

So, how did you do?

Mostly As: You are not pervy. You are normal and wear sensible shoes and comfortable underwear.
Mostly Bs: You have pervy potential. If you'd like to develop your deviant side why not try inserting root vegetables into yourself and writing about it on your blog to get those creative juices flowing?
Mostly Cs: You are Practically Pervy in Every Way. You're probably performing some degrading lust-fuelled degenerate sex act as I type. I expect the evidence in my in box shortly.

Monday, 9 July 2007

Tales from the Boudoir

"You don't think I'm too harsh, do you?"

"No, Mistress," mumbles my pet of the day from beneath my spike heeled boots.

"How about you?" I enquire of the gimp kneeling at my side, my talons drumming impatiently on his pvc encased skull.

"You are a model of benevolence," he replies.

"Exactly," I smile in satisfaction as I zip his mouth piece closed again. "But that's quite enough sucking up from you for the moment."

The maid approaches with the drink I'd requested earlier.

"You, girl. Any complaints?"

"None, Mistress. Thank you, Mistress. Shall I put the tray down here?"

"Yes. What's this? You do know I can see your underwear when you bend over?"

"I'm sorry Mistress, it's the uniform. The skirt's so short - "

"Enough! I have no wish to see your underwear. Remove it and go sit on the sisal matting until further notice.You'll be punished in due course."

"Thank you, Mistress."

"See, she doesn't think I'm too harsh."

The gimp nods, enthusiastically.

"Oh, you agree with everything. I'm going to nipple clamp you for being such an exceptional toady. And as for you, Fido," I look down at my pet of the day, happy in his boot licking labours, "I may have to have you neutered if you don't stop trying to hump my leg."

Fido whines, convincingly.

"All right, I may keep you intact, if you make yourself useful. Go get my toolbox. I have a maid to discipline. Go on. Fetch! On all fours, thank you very much, you're not a person."

The gimp blinks up at me through his round eye holes.

"OK, maybe that was a little harsh. But you have to show them who's top dog." His eyes really are quite eloquent. I decide to blindfold him. That's better. All is well within the boudoir.

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Unrepentant

I am Luka.

I find it funny when people take themselves too seriously. I like to prick pomposity.

I write for me.

I love my friends.

I hate hypocrisy.

I respect intelligence and the ability to argue, intelligently.

I detest "whatever".

I am Luka. I walk my own path. I am not sorry.

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Another Song for the Campfire

I really like your hair
And the clothing that you wear
You've the body of a Playmate
But the mindset of an inmate
It could just be hormonal
This behaviour isn’t normal
I’m sure you are quite lovely but you’re mad.

I really like your smile
And your quirky sense of style
There are times you’re quite the charmer
But there’s always too much drama.
You're in a permanent red mist
You are a total mentalist
I’m sure you are quite lovely but you’re mad.

I could have been a friend
If you weren’t so round the bend
You seem quite immune to reason
And think other views are treason
You are clearly off your rocker
All my friends have said “just block her”
I’m sure you are quite lovely but you’re mad.

How hard to get it through
No one’s laughing about you
So many times I’ve told you that
My words can’t pierce your tinfoil hat
I am sure you have your backers
Maybe they don’t know you’re crackers
But I know you’re quite lovely but you’re mad.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Shitasm #2

Fri 6th July, 07

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Want in Shitasm #3? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using comments box below. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

Watch Me, Woman
(throbbing-gristle.blogspot.com)
“I pulled down my zip and out flew my cock. Fuck. How would I ever get it back now?"

Wanting...
(behindthecurtains.blogspot.com)
“I want to watch you as you slowly undress. I want to see your delightful breasts as you unhook your bra, the perfect roundness of your buttocks as you step out of your tight skirt. But, alas, I have been banned from the changing rooms of Dorothy Perkins and am no longer allowed within the shopping centre at all."

Salad Days
(thistastesfunny.blogspot.com)
“But...but...that was my cucumber. What am I going to put in the salad now? No, I hate carrots, you can shove 'em up your - ah.”

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Fun Quiz #1

Tired of having to read through countless comments when you just want to get on with more pressing tasks, like eating crisps or having a wank? Then take this fun quiz to find out the most likely comment to be found in your box and save yourself the bother!

1. You get talking to a new acquaintance online. So far it's going very well. You both like cheese and they don't seem to find you too irritating. Do you:

A) Feel happy that you could be making a new friend (score 1 point)

B) Ask them for a picture of their arse (score 2 points)

C) Write an evocative and beautiful blog post about your new super special relationship which has touched you on a deeply spiritual and erotic level? (score 3 points)


2. You have had a bad day. Your hair has an annoying sticky up bit, you've put on 3lbs and the cat has vomited in your slippers. Again. Do you:

A) Write a light hearted piece about your bad day, turning it around into something amusing to hopefully bring a smile to others (score 1 point)

B) Focus on the positive by creating an evocative and beautiful blog post about your sensual adventures with a couple of squaddies and a tub of swarfega (score 3 points)

C) Take a picture of your arse? (score 2 points)

3. You are spending the day in a hotel room with your lover. You are happy, sticky and panting, entwined in each others limbs and a tangle of bedclothes. Do you:

A) Bask in the afterglow (score 1 point)

B) Get your lover to photograph your arse (score 2 points)

C) Quickly log on to the internet to inform your cyberchums that you can't talk to them right now, as you are lost in a world of passion, in a beautiful and evocative web chat? (score 3 points)

4. One of your best friends is feeling insecure. Do you:

A) Write a post about your friendship, listing all their best qualities (score 1 point)

B) Write a post about your friendship, listing all their best qualities along with a picture of your arse to cheer them up (score 2 points)

C) Write a beautiful and evocative post about the very special nature of any new friendships you may have made in the last 48 hours, listing all the things you imagine might be their best qualities, and how very much you would like to fuddle duddle with their wibbly wobblies in a sugar coated dream palace in the clouds? (score 3 points)

5. Somebody has posted a comment you don't agree with on your blog. Do you:

A) Chuckle at how silly some people can be and go back to photographing your arse (score 2 points)

B) Embark on a well thought out and reasoned debate (score 1 point)

C) Delete it and tell everyone - evocatively and beautifully - the original poster is a mentalist and lives in a skip? (score 3 points)

Now, tot up your scores to see the most likely comment to be found on your blog!

Score 5 or less points: LOL. Me too!
Score 6 - 10 points: I like your arse!
Score 11 - 15 points: Wow! That was so incredibly sensual. Evocative and beautiful. It's like you read my mind.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

FAQ #1

So, Luka, why are you such a grumpy old ratbag anyway?

Fuck off.

No, really. It's very easy to mock the efforts of others whilst posting absolute bollocks yourself.

Well, yes, it is. Taking the piss fits conveniently into my busy schedule. And there is always a wealth of new material to work with.

Is it because you're not getting laid yourself?

Well, obviously I can understand how some might want to imagine that intense sexual frustration must be the only possible reason for my not joining the crowd commenting "oh wow, that was so beautiful and evocative" on their latest post about being taken up the arse by some hairy limbed soap dodger, but no.

Why, then?

Because I sometimes feel like I've stumbled into a room full of bare arsed Emporers. They are all in their tight little groups and the air is full of exclamations:

"Your clothes are amazing!"

"No, your clothes are amazing!"

"Your clothes are so beautiful and evocative!"

"Yours are just lovely!"

Then they all vote on who has the best outfit of all and spend the rest of the day passing the award from one side of the tiny room to the other.

And I stand there in bewilderment, listening to all this self-congratulatory, incestuous nonsense and I just want to stand on a chair and shout "You're all fucking naked!"

Sunday, 1 July 2007

Scenes in modern porn I don't really relate to #1

I knew where I was with smut back in the 70s.

Occasionally some kid at school would find a copy of Razzle in his dad's shed, or discarded in a hedge in a layby, and bring it into the playground for a group goggle. Inevitably a teacher would spot the cluster of children, giggling and going "ewww!" and would have to confiscate the magazine, keeping it safely about their person as they retired to the lavatory. In those days nudie ladies had body hair and nudie men had facial hair....and socks.

It was all pretty tame, really.

Today's porn is much harder for me to relate to. Nudie women no longer have any body hair at all and their bosoms don't move. Nudie men now remove their socks! Still, the basics haven't changed too much, though I think there are more facial finales now than there used to be. It's very formulaic - she will give him a blowjob, then get fucked in a variety of positions, then take it up the arse before copping a faceload. Still, while I would prefer to see some more genuine female pleasure in porn, with the focus being on her orgasm, not the man's, I can still relate to it on some level.

When I get confused it is usually when I venture into unfamiliar territory. I can't remember the name of the DVD now....it had a dominatrix type woman on the cover....Anyway, there was a scene where they were in a classroom, disciplining naughty students. One wayward pupil kept weeing on the floor. In slow motion and extreme close up. I think she went on to get fucked in a number of positions, take it up the arse and cop a faceload. That doesn't seem like discipline to me. Surely a wallop with a rolled up newspaper and a stern "bad girl!" while rubbing her nose in it is the way to go? Or having to wear big school pants and a Tena Lady Pad for the rest of the scene.