Monday, 31 December 2007

Top Tips for Male Sex Bloggers

  1. Be smug. Really arrogant. Write about how you could have countless women if you chose to (but no ugly ones, obviously). The smugger you are the more attractive to women you become and the more likely it is you will get a book deal.
  2. Be sure to illustrate your blog with soft porn. Nothing enhances a well-written piece of prose like a picture of a huge breasted 17 year old with her arse pressed up to the camera lens. Women love to see images of how they would look if they were made by Mattel and are far more likely to email nudie pics of themselves to you if you make sure you keep a smooth minged flapshot at the top of the page. Oh, and if you can build a big arse into the background and ensure the reader is unable to scroll past it, ever, as it moves with the cursor, that would be fantastic. Women really, really love that. Makes 'em wet.
  3. Only acknowledge comments from people you might get to shag, or at least exchange nudie photos with.
  4. Make a point of trying to have sex with as many other sex bloggers as you can. This enhances your reputation and makes you look like a GOD. Be sure to drop plenty of hints so the casual reader knows you have done so, otherwise the sex you had was pointless. Much as if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, sex with a blogger who doesn't blog it is lacking verification. You need those comments to let you know you really do have a cock, you really have done it with a lady!
  5. Betray no emotion. Emotion makes you look weak and your willy look smaller. Concentrate on the mechanics of sex (and illustrate it with a photo of a pneumatic blonde with a shaven minge) and how much the ladies gush their girl juices when you put your finger up their bum because you are that good at giving orgasms.
  6. Never engage in intelligent debate with women who don't appreciate just how sexually desireable you are. If they are not going to email you for the exchange of nudie photos and a possible meet then they are obviously hairy faced feminists with no tits who just want to make you look stupid.
  7. Your blog is your castle. You make the rules. You can write what you like about who you like and damn the consequences.
  8. All right, so if the consequences are bad, you can always build a bigger and better castle elsewhere.
  9. And put a new arse photo on it, bigger than ever!
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are listed everywhere and try to get as many award winning posts as you can. Stick more nudie pics up and if all else fails, invent your own sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the new girlie sex bloggers will want to keep in with you. You can't fail!


bittersweet me said...

i love you

'smooth minged flapshot ...'

(in nearly lost my last cup of coffee)

Now i will be able to spot the true male sex blogger!

Happy New Year xx

Freddy said...

I love her more!

although she's a very naughty girl!

having my cake said...

When I read this, I couldnt help thinking about the Clive Owen scene in the Xmas Extras which also made me laugh out loud. Happy New Year x

peter said...

I sputtered (is that a word?) coffee onto my screen reading this. Happy New Year.

Pixiepie said...

so funny!

Jackie Adshead said...

Better stick with women, then, Luka! Our egos aren't so big.

Luka said...

Me and Freddy - come here for the big love in!

Cake - glad it raised a smile!

Peter - if it isn't a word, it should be.

Pixiepie - hello! Am glad it amused you.

Jackie - there's a lot to be said for sticking with the ladies.

Anonymous Boxer said...

God, I love you.

Freddy said...

'scuse I, but 'stick with the ladies'??

Who'd put air in the car tyres?

or get rid of the spiders from the bath?

not to mention....

Naughty K said...

Thats great...I wish I had written it..funny stuff!

Luka said...

Anonymous Boxer - the feeling is entirely mutual x

Freddy - air in tyres? That's what garage monkeys are for. As for spiders, that's the cat's job. What else could there possibly be that you aren't mentioning...?

Naughty K - hello! Thank you kindly, glad it made you smile.

EmmaK said...

Dear Luka
Very amusing, only I have to say how do you even have the patience to read such blogs, they are mostly drivel and not even so bad it's good drivel.

Also, at the risk of having you put a hex on me, many female sex bloggers are smug and arrogant and "ooh look at me I am so unbelievably attractive, here's a photo of me with my feet behind my head just relaxing you know with my digital camera, don't I look sexy?" And you look at the picture and you think, well, no actually you look like Miss Piggy.

I reckon this is an equal opportunities offence is all I'm saying.

Luka said...

Emma - I am all for equal opportunites. I think you will approve of my next post.

Duke Orsino said...

Arse! I'm doing it all wrong.

Luka said...

Duke - hello! I am sure that in this instance doing it all wrong is doing all right.

Lynsey said...

Ha! This is officially my new favorite blog. Brava.

Luka said...

Lynsey - hello! Thank you for the lovely comment x