Monday, 1 October 2007

Bloated

My faults are numerous and colourful, yet when I decide to take a break from the blogging world I take a proper break. I leave my laptop unplugged and throw myself into the Real World(tm). I do not check my comments. I do not check my email. I live my life and enjoy it, and then I come back.

Others, though, make a huge production number out of fucking off for a bit. They have Guest Bloggers, to post on their blog in their absence. They ask someone to moderate their comments while they are gone. Why? It's not like asking the neighbour to feed the fish or water the plants when you go away for a few days in Real Life(tm). No lives will be lost if people don't get to hear about what you stuck up your chuff on Wednesday. No harm will occur if people have to wait a few days to read about what Big Ken thought of your arse pic.

Is it an insecurity issue? Are these addicts afraid they will be forgotten about, abandoned, if there is nothing new on their blog for a few days? Is it all part of this insane Stats Fever that infects even the most rational blogger after a few weeks? Suddenly their sense of self worth is defined by how many people stumble across their blog and how many comments are made. The thought of potentially losing a reader because no new material was on the blog today brings them out into a cold sweat. So they have to schedule their machine to post automatically, or ask somebody else to post for them, in order not to see a decline in those precious precious numbers. It all gets very tabloid.

Or is it that some bloggers sense of importance has bloated beyond all recognition? Perhaps some bloggers truly believe their readers will suffer unbearably from withdrawal symptoms if they don't have some sort of placebo on standby. They look fondly upon their loyal commenters, suckling from their bloggy teats, ingesting the food for thought only they can provide, and believe a wet nurse is the only answer. They can only be weaned bit by bit, they believe, or they will howl all night long, such is their need.

Pah. What a load of cock.

Just fuck off, is my advice to anyone thinking of taking some time out from the blogging world. Just fucking go and stop making out you're some kind of BBC breakfast show DJ who needs someone to cover for them when they have a holiday. You're not. You don't. Fuck off.

13 comments:

Jackie Adshead said...

And you've beautifully proved that people are actually more keen to read your blog when you do deign to return to blogland after a sojourn.

Sulpicia said...

And the bitch is back! Glad your real life (tm) was grand. I was shovellig snow during my absence. Sucks to be me. Looking forward to laughing a bit more during my week, now you're back. (Yes, that's genuine emotion. Almost like sucking up, but I don't do that. SO don't get mean.)

Anonymous Boxer said...

Having JUST added comments for the time since I started my blog in April, may I say... YOU ARE RIGHT! I must leave now, I believe I heard a comment come in and I must answer. Must.

Angela-la-la said...

Absolutely agree. Unless you're Middy and off fighting in a war zone you are not important enough to need a stand in.

having my cake said...

Cant see what all the fuss is about. I mean who, honestly, could replace me? *wanders off wiggling her fabulous arse and whistling*

Juno Henry said...

If that's your way of asking me to guest-blog for you next time you fall off the wagon... sure thing, babe.

*evil cackle*

Anonymous said...

Sheeple bray.

bittersweet me said...

Stats Fever is a killer ... do you have an antidote?

Ms Robinson said...

God I love you, you smug bitch.

What about the well known sex blogger that takes her computer on holiday to write mundane things like: Ate a peach. Shagged a bloke. Maybe we're all sick?

Luka said...

Jackie - I think it's more that people pop by to see if I have posted any more arse pics.

Sulpicia - I am *never* mean, merely observational :)

Anonymous Boxer - I can help you.

Angela-la-la - well said.

Having My Cake - every arse is individual and therefore irreplaceable.

Juno - I am far too precious and up myself to allow anyone else to write for the Boudoir.

Anonymous - indeed.

Me - I do, and it is administered orally.

Ms R - I love you too, my vitriolic vixen. There is no hope for the truly addicted blogger. We can do what we can with cricket bats, but there's always cyber cafes and typing with a stick on the forehead.

having my cake said...

It's Thursday and I popped by for the picture but...

Midnight said...

I'm glad to see Ange validating my excuse for having guest bloggers! It's my only way of staying in touch with some mates!

Luka said...

Hello again Midnight! You have a Special Dispensation.