Sunday, 2 September 2007

What's in a Meme?

The Man has tagged me, as he finds it impossible not to reach out and touch me, even when in another country, the filthy beast.

Blog Law says I really should make the effort and answer the list of questions below as everyone is just gagging to find out my inner thoughts on things like my favourite Spice Girl, or my hair. No, really, that's not me taking the piss, those are two of the more interesting questions. Look:

*What side of the heart do you draw first?

Well, we're off to a good start with a choice opener. Were these questions drawn up by American teenage girls, by any chance? There seems to be an assumption that we all wile away the hours doodling love hearts on our exercise books. Well, no, actually. Some of us are past that stage. I sit around all day doodling crudely drawn nobs onto historical figures in library books, like a proper grown up.

*Can you dive without plugging your nose?

Well, yes, anyone can. Whether anyone can do it without cruelly burning their sinuses as they fill their cranial cavities with water is another matter.

*What color is your phone?

Its colour, you mean? Hint O Smegma.

*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?

Fuck right off. Only those with no mental capacity for Thinking Things Through would believe this would be fun for more than a few minutes, no matter who the unlucky object of your tethered affections might be.

*Where are you right now?

The Land of The Bored, hence having to resort to this festering pile of donkey doo to try to alleviate the tedium.

*How do you feel about carrots?

Given my extensive research on such matters, I understand they are great up the arse, but not as good as cucumbers or ginger.

*How many chairs at the dining room table?

8 plus 2 benches. I entertain a lot at the Boudoir.

*Who is the best Spice Girl?

They're all shit. Sporty is less shit than the others. But she's still shit.

*Do you know what time it is?

Yes. It's the time this list really should have finished, as it's far too long.

*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

Never happen. I only take the lift.

*What's your favorite kind of gum?
Gun gum. Useful stuff.

*T or F: All is fair in love and war?

What the fuck is "T" or "F"? Trite? Fatuous? If so, then yes, T and F.

*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?

Argh! It's "don't know the meaning of"! Illiterate tag-list monkeys, you piss me off!

*Do you like to sleep?

Yes. I also like to eat and breathe and go to the toilet. Why, why, why is this 12 year old's list of wanky questions doing the rounds of all the sex blogs, why? We can't all be this bored, surely?

*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?

Why would anyone outside the US give a flying fuck? Can the creators of this tag-meme-thing even point to the US on a map of the world? That's what I'd like to know. Actually, no I wouldn't. I'm lying, I don't care.

*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down?

I always play it on my kazoo at parties.

*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?

I wouldn't mind a bright yellow moustache, that could be fun. I want to see if it would tickle anyone's fancy.

*What's something you've always wanted?

A Scalextric.

*Do you wear a lot of black?

Does rubber come in other colours?

*Describe your hair.


*Are you an adult?


*Who is/are your best friends?

Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker. Sometimes I hang out with Ruby Cabernet.

*Do you have a tan?

No, it's just dirt.

*Are you a television addict?

I am down to just 20 televisions a day.

*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?

I enjoy spending time with my dear old ma, yes. "Mom" indeed. Tsk.

*Are you a sugar freak?

I am not sure what that is. Is it like the Elephant Man, made out of sugar lumps? I could make one but then I would be overwhelmed with pathos everytime I looked in the sugar bowl and tea time would become tinged with sadness.

*What is your favorite movie?

Shaun of the Dead.

*What's your sign?

Hump backed bridge.

*Where do you wish you were right now?

The pub.

*Who did you copy this from?

The Man. He made me do it. Him, there.

*How do you know them?

I found him rummaging through my knicker drawer at one of my Boudoir Book Club soirees.

*Would you have sex with them?

Hmmmmm...... He does have his own flogger as well as his own hair and I would be a prestigious notch on his bedpost, but it would be deeply unfair to ruin him for all other sex bloggers.

I am not tagging anyone else. I don't care what anyone elses favourite Spice Girl is or what colour their phone might be. I am very self-involved like that.


Amy said...

Well, I lost my bet. With myself. I really did not think you would respond to Man's tag. But clearly he has persuasive abilities of which I am not aware...(had trouble with that last sentence, trying not to end in "of").

But I read your answers to the end.


Hazel said...

LOL - what a load of cobblers those questions were. Your answers were brilliant. I can't believe "what side of the heart do you draw first?" Load of shit lol.

n said...

Well i was tagged too but i answered mine in a lovely polite manner. However i'm extremely jealous of your answers. Got to go and finish my pretty little heart doodles........

Lady in red said...

hmm n tagged me and I haven't done it yet totally agree with you about the kind of questions on this one love your answers but now I cant use them, no originality in copying.

wouldn't it be great if those on the other side of the pond learnt how to write in english

The Man With Secrets said...

Amy - I know where she lives, see ...

Luka said...

Amy - I am amazed you got that far! I wasn't going to do the list until I got so bored I found myself completing it and a questionnaire on insurance.

Hazel - absolutely. Utter dross.

N - you are much better mannered than I, which is no bad thing.

Lady in Red - I am sure you can come up with some subversive answers of your own!

Luka said...

Man - yes, and I can't afford to lose many more pairs of knickers to your voluminous raincoat pockets.

Jackie Adshead said...

Absolutely superb! At least I now have a clearer picture of you - you're dressed head to toe in black rubber, with a yellow moustache, big hair and a carrot sticking out of your arse!

Luka said...

Jackie - you wouldn't believe the trouble I have getting served in pubs.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I was tagged too, but this kicks ass - as always!!

Luka said...

Thank you, Anonymous B!

Angela-la-la said...

Teehee. I hate tags and memes but I like your style with them.

Everyone - tag Luka with all you got!

bittersweet me said...

i was getting so bored, seeing this meme pop up everywhere, but you made it so VERY funny. Yes ... pass every meme to Luka!

Ms Robinson said...

Angela La la is right. You were born to meme. But a mass tagging. That would be too cruel.

Ms Robinson said...

Actually I have been thinking that you would be a fab stand up comic. Sexy and barbed with a fine line in poetry.

Luka said...

Angela-la-la - nooooooooo!

Bittersweet Me - noooooooooo!

Ms Robinson - yes! And thank you. x

having my cake said...

Im still laughing... Im not sure Im not just plain hysterical now :)

Luka said...

Having my Cake - hysteria is the next stage up from laughter being the best medicine. Which must make it a class A drug.