The Man has tagged me, as he finds it impossible not to reach out and touch me, even when in another country, the filthy beast.
Blog Law says I really should make the effort and answer the list of questions below as everyone is just gagging to find out my inner thoughts on things like my favourite Spice Girl, or my hair. No, really, that's not me taking the piss, those are two of the more interesting questions. Look:
*What side of the heart do you draw first?
Well, we're off to a good start with a choice opener. Were these questions drawn up by American teenage girls, by any chance? There seems to be an assumption that we all wile away the hours doodling love hearts on our exercise books. Well, no, actually. Some of us are past that stage. I sit around all day doodling crudely drawn nobs onto historical figures in library books, like a proper grown up.
*Can you dive without plugging your nose?
Well, yes, anyone can. Whether anyone can do it without cruelly burning their sinuses as they fill their cranial cavities with water is another matter.
*What color is your phone?
Its colour, you mean? Hint O Smegma.
*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Fuck right off. Only those with no mental capacity for Thinking Things Through would believe this would be fun for more than a few minutes, no matter who the unlucky object of your tethered affections might be.
*Where are you right now?
The Land of The Bored, hence having to resort to this festering pile of donkey doo to try to alleviate the tedium.
*How do you feel about carrots?
Given my extensive research on such matters, I understand they are great up the arse, but not as good as cucumbers or ginger.
*How many chairs at the dining room table?
8 plus 2 benches. I entertain a lot at the Boudoir.
*Who is the best Spice Girl?
They're all shit. Sporty is less shit than the others. But she's still shit.
*Do you know what time it is?
Yes. It's the time this list really should have finished, as it's far too long.
*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Never happen. I only take the lift.
*What's your favorite kind of gum?
Gun gum. Useful stuff.
*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
What the fuck is "T" or "F"? Trite? Fatuous? If so, then yes, T and F.
*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?
Argh! It's "don't know the meaning of"! Illiterate tag-list monkeys, you piss me off!
*Do you like to sleep?
Yes. I also like to eat and breathe and go to the toilet. Why, why, why is this 12 year old's list of wanky questions doing the rounds of all the sex blogs, why? We can't all be this bored, surely?
*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?
Why would anyone outside the US give a flying fuck? Can the creators of this tag-meme-thing even point to the US on a map of the world? That's what I'd like to know. Actually, no I wouldn't. I'm lying, I don't care.
*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down?
I always play it on my kazoo at parties.
*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?
I wouldn't mind a bright yellow moustache, that could be fun. I want to see if it would tickle anyone's fancy.
*What's something you've always wanted?
*Do you wear a lot of black?
Does rubber come in other colours?
*Describe your hair.
*Are you an adult?
*Who is/are your best friends?
Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker. Sometimes I hang out with Ruby Cabernet.
*Do you have a tan?
No, it's just dirt.
*Are you a television addict?
I am down to just 20 televisions a day.
*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
I enjoy spending time with my dear old ma, yes. "Mom" indeed. Tsk.
*Are you a sugar freak?
I am not sure what that is. Is it like the Elephant Man, made out of sugar lumps? I could make one but then I would be overwhelmed with pathos everytime I looked in the sugar bowl and tea time would become tinged with sadness.
*What is your favorite movie?
Shaun of the Dead.
*What's your sign?
Hump backed bridge.
*Where do you wish you were right now?
*Who did you copy this from?
The Man. He made me do it. Him, there.
*How do you know them?
I found him rummaging through my knicker drawer at one of my Boudoir Book Club soirees.
*Would you have sex with them?
Hmmmmm...... He does have his own flogger as well as his own hair and I would be a prestigious notch on his bedpost, but it would be deeply unfair to ruin him for all other sex bloggers.
I am not tagging anyone else. I don't care what anyone elses favourite Spice Girl is or what colour their phone might be. I am very self-involved like that.