Monday, 10 September 2007

Literate

I have taken a wander through self-professed literary blogs today. Here is what I have learned.

To qualify as "literate" you will need to include a lot of analogies in your writing and obscure your meaning as much as possible, so that your post resembles a prolonged cryptic crossword clue.

Oh, and the subject matter should be about yourself whenever possible and emphasise how very special you are.

If you are still in any doubt as to whether a blog is literary or not, here is a generic example to help you:

"I am like water. See how my surface sparkles in the light. Yet don't be fooled when you look into my liquid depths, it is only your reflection you see, not the inner me. I lie hidden in the abyss like a fish, some dweller of the ocean floor, formed under pressure, unique and unseen.

Or maybe you are the fish. Slippery and somehow wet. I am elemental, like fire. Or wind. I blow strongest when you are weak, like cheap tea. Like a fairground ride I go up and down. Admire my bright lights, listen to the music I make. Enjoy the ride and breathe me in, like oxygen. Don't try to understand me though. Like the deities I am a mystery. I can not tell you where I am, you must find me, follow my clues and dig me up, like treasure. See how my jewels glitter, desire my lustre on your skin, but don't try to wear me everyday, I am far too precious and rareified for that! I will draw you a map with the salt of my tears. But don't try to find me!"

And so on.

It has made me appreciate "and then I came all over her tits" a lot more, I can tell you.

29 comments:

Ms Robinson said...

Where the fuck did you find that breathtakingly awful piece? Did you write it? Can you do me one? You see I seem to have been nominated for something called Post of the Week four times but I keep losing out to ummm worthy pieces just as you described. This is just what I need. I shall tell Misssy M for she is wondering how to crack the literary code as well.

Luka said...

Ms R - I wrote it myself (thank you, thank you). Yes it is shockingly bad, and is a pastiche of several blogs and posts I perused on my meanderings today. I shall email you linky links to help you in your quest for Post of the Week.

Freddy said...

Gosh that's deep!
The pile of BS that is.
I find you can judge many blogs by the quality of the blogs they link to.
I link to none, which may say something about my blog. Or not.

Ms Robinson said...

"I blow strongest when you are weak, like cheap tea." Pure, fucking, brain-numbing genius Luka. It is still bringing tears to my eyes.

bittersweet me said...

i've come over all emotional reading that. Quite tearful, infact.

cheap tea .. you are an inspiration, Luka.

piffle to links, Freddy - sometimes it is good to wear your heart (or your smile) on your sleeve (blogroll) ... it is merely a declaration of where one hangs out now and then, not a manner of judgement.

Angela-la-la said...

Ah, dear Luka. Again your words wind their way through my eyes and deep into the very depths of my soul, high-fiving my heart and waving hi to my brain on the journey inwards to make their mark on the inner core of me.

Ms Robinson said...

I doubt whether I could even replicate Luka's effort but I smell a competition and Angelal la La is looking very good. What do you think Luka?

Luka said...

Freddy - It's a laugh though, innit?

Me - yes, it is an emotional thing, all this endless self obsession and introspection. Just finding enough analogies to sum up just how fascinating and intricate one finds oneself is so tiring, you may find yourself needing to take a bit of a break from it all. Or post a long anaology about how weary you are.

Angela-la-la - thank you, your comment is both beautiful AND evocative and has moved me to self contemplation and narcissism once more.

Ms R - there could be something in that, yes.

Freddy said...

Is 'moved to self contemplation and narcissism' a euphemism?

Anonymous Boxer said...

I am wiping tears from my eyes from laughing.

Brilliant!

Oh? Another "back to school" competition brewing????? Woot!

Ms Robinson said...

I just want you all to know I am drinking 'cheap tea' at this very moment' and still laughing.

EmmaK said...

Oh you are so cruel luka...there I was thinking I had at least a semi-literary blog...and yet now I know the truth, I am in the bargain bin with all the rest of the exhibitionistic semi-literate bloggers who post pics of their labias up on their blogs and write about how 'her pussy was really wet and i slid my cock deep into her hole and she sed how gr8 it felt and how she lovd my huge cock in her snatch.'

Going off to cry my eyes out.

Luka said...

Freddy - it wasn't, but it should be!

Anonymous Boxer - thank you, kindly. Yes, I feel a competition stirring in my creative loins, as it were.

Ms R - ah, the Happy Shopper Econonmy Range tea-style bags, 1000 for 19p. Bargain.

EmmaK - it is better you know the truth now, than waste your time crafting analogy free blogs about issues other than your fascination with yourself, if you ever wish to be a Literary Great.

Richard said...

*sniff*

so meaningful...I cried for weeks this morning reading it.

And that part at the end, the "tits" part... just, just so moving...

*daubs at a lingering tear*

Luka said...

Richard - such beautiful prose always involves an emotional journey, both to create and to read. I am not surprised you were moved to tears by my talented evocation of spunky tits.

Ms Robinson said...

Upon reflection I find myself oscillating: Do I sup from your languid yet provocative prose (like cheap tea) or do I simply allow myself to bask in your radiant effulgence

Jackie Adshead said...

I'm not sure this cheap tea idea works - is it cheap tea with milk and sugar? or lemon? Or just a whole load of saccharine?

Recusant said...

I see what you mean by obscure your meaning:

"I blow strongest when you are weak, like cheap tea."

Does that mean that, a) You are strong like cheap tea? Or, b) "you" are weak like cheap tea?

I like a builder's brew myself.

Or am I taking this all far too seriously?

Luka said...

Ms R - I would opt for languid supping from my linguistic cup.

Jackie - it is cheap tea with a splash of bitter tears.

Hello, Recusant. It's open to interpretation, I reckon. I don't think you're in danger of taking this too seriously, given the back stage histrionics from some that accompanied my literary foray.

Jackie Adshead said...

Mmmm..... saline tanin? Would that be tea in a china tea cup, with a few storms brewing?

Freddy said...

Backstage tantrums eh? Did someone forget to remove the blue Smarties?

puckrup said...

I was wondering how anyone could seriously write such utter watch-me-vanish-up-my-arse egowank, but of course it's a Luka pastiche! Sooo funny! And I have to admit to enjoying the 'and then my eyes slid down her dress as I shot my thick wad over her face' school of writing...mmmm...so alluring, so evocative (actually, by comparison, yes..).. Makes my proud manhood rise like a mighty oak made of wood like a dining room table, and my seed flow like a river, but of spunk and not water...
Am I being literate, yet?

Luka said...

Jackie - it would indeed!

Freddy - I think they forgot to remove the blue AND the orange smarties.

Puck - you are being evocative and beautiful with most definite literary leanings.

Anonymous said...

You're a terrible writer.

Luka said...

Anonymous - you could be right, but at least I am secure enough within myself to happily allow those who are not so brave to post anonymous comments on my terrible writing. And that makes me look great, and you look like a bit of a twat. Win-win!

Lynsey said...

Oh thank god I found your blog. I needed a good laugh.

Luka said...

Lynsey - then you came to the right place! Welcome aboard.

O said...

I think this was the first thing of yours I ever read, and I still laugh every time. Probably because it hits a little too close to home. I love it.

Luka said...

O - Thank you, I am glad it still brings pleasure.