Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Listen with Luka

Do you hear what I hear?

It is hard, isn't it, to pick out one coherent voice in the cacophony? This weird online world we choose to visit is a hubbub of voices striving to be heard. Unless you have a good ear it is likely to sound like generic crowd noise, the "rhubarb rhubarb" of the extras.

Those who shout loudest are not necessarily those worth listening to, though that doesn't mean that those who whisper have anything groundbreaking to say either. They just want you to lean in close, a subtle yet effective seduction technique.

Finding a writer you enjoy reading as you skip from site to site is a bit like tuning in your radio. You turn the dial and hear someone reading the news, the cricket scores, a burst of music, a burst of static, until suddenly you find something that makes you pause. You sing along if it's a song you know. You consider phoning in if it's a discussion topic you have an opinion on. You hope that what follows next will be as enjoyable. If it is you'll tune in again next time, if it isn't you turn the dial and move on.

What I find most frustrating is finding an original, interesting voice and tuning in each day to find it slowly becoming assimilated into the bland melange, until it is no longer distinguishable from any other voice in the chattering babble.

What I find most amusing is a voice trying to disguise its accent. "Ay em no longer a sex bloggar," they enunciate, carefully. "Ay em a literate!" This is entertaining enough to tune into on a daily basis just to hear the gradual re-emergence of their true voice as the effort of maintaining the facade becomes too great to sustain. "Ay was listening to some opera last night," they will announce. "Being classy like what I am, and, oh, fuck me ragged, guv, those great big wobbly men make me so wet! Have I mentioned my stockings today? Sex!"

That makes me dance around the living room in sheer, unadulterated joy.

22 comments:

Ms Robinson said...

I love a bit of literary criticism.

amy said...

ooOOooo...lit crit! Or clit lit...or...I dunno.

PS I wanna see you dance around the living room, gf.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I heart you big time for this one.

Freddy said...

I second amy's PS

and btw, it's thursday and I'm still waiting for you to post a picture of your arse

Sulpicia said...

Extreme metablogging.

I third Amy's PS. I don't know about your ass, though... Seeing your breasts whirled up enough envy to last me a few more weeks.

bittersweet me said...

I have a vision of Freddy, waiting, camera in hand, ready to click that button, should the grail vision appear.

I enjoy a little white noise now and then, it's quite soothing.

Juno Henry said...

I'm just sitting here, blushing at my work colleagues, as i feebly attempt to explain why they just saw m cough up a kipper laughing.

(And i know about "Listen with Mother", dude. And that made it even fuckin' funnier.)

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Oh such a true post! Lucky for me I 'tuned in' to this blog! Okay, bittersweet tuned me in to you!

having my cake said...

LMAO... I Listened with Mother too! Gor blimey guvnor you rekin I kin go't th'opera wiv vis aksent? Nah, i' wud bor me rigid...

Angela-la-la said...

"Ay was listening to some opera last night," they will announce. "Being classy like what I am, and, oh, fuck me ragged, guv, those great big wobbly men make me so wet!

Bwahahaha! As someone that tried to be a sex blog but reverted to type very quickly - that's me in reverse, that is.

Z said...

Dear Disgruntled of Tunbridge Blogosphere,

Have you ever considered writing out your blogreading requirements and issuing them to bloggers in advance? Surely this would help with the clearly onerous and unrewarding task of having to force your way through disappointing writing.

I'm sure if people knew what your requirements were, they would strive to meet them, because after all, the petulant reader should never be neglected.

Alternatively, you could try getting out more.

The Man With Secrets said...

Oooooh ... looks like I can get that jelly wrestling arena out of storage ...

Luka said...

Ms R - I just enjoy criticism, literary or otherwise.

Amy - that will involve at least two good bottles of wine.

Anonymous Boxer - I heart you too, I heart you long time.

Freddy - but everyone's seen my wobbly old buttcheeks by now, surely, when I did that clingfilm thing. Nobody needs to see something like that on a weekly basis!

Sulpicia - if the bosoms generated envy, the arse will soon generate smug superiority, belive me.

Me - yes, white noise or bouncy pop, both are good for de-stressing.

Juno - I would pay good mony to see you cough up a kipper. Nostlagia, eh? It's not what it used to be...

Vi - thank you kindly (and thank you, Me!)

Having My Cake - I like the bits they use on adverts though.

Angela-la-la - exactly so. I had the same problem. I tried to do a proper sex blog and this is what I ended up with!

Luka said...

There were many typos in that previous comment of mine. I blame unforeseen wine consumption.

Luka said...

Z - How nice to see you tuned in again for another of my addictive siren songs! I would not describe my foray into literary blogland as an "onerous" task. It provides me with a great deal of pleasure and amusement (not to mention blog material). I find it odd that you got "unrewarding" and "petulant" from a post containing "sheer, unadulterated joy". This isn't a "literate" blog you know, you're allowed to enjoy yourself. If you give me a smile you can have a go on the space hopper.

Man - I don't trust you to have cleaned it properly after you and Freddy got jiggly in it.

Ms Robinson said...

Hello Luka, Rest assured you represent unadulterated fun for me in what has lately been an onerous grown-up world (but thanks to friends and jolly bloggers has improved quickly).

Reading you is like switching to the joy CBeebies after watching the shit on BBC2 - and you can quote me on that.

Ms R. Aged three and a half.

Time for a rum and coke.

Freddy said...

"Luka said...

.... Man - I don't trust you to have cleaned it properly after you and Freddy got jiggly in it."

You will be hearing from my solicitors, Read Butt Never-do & partners,in relation to that malicious slur.

Disgusted of t'north.

Ms Robinson said...

I am offended on your behalf Freddy. In fact I am sure I speak for all Luka's readers when we say that this time she has simply gone not far enough. Frankly I expected her to mock you even more. I am disappointed.

I would like to say that as a result of this I may cancel my subscription.

sincerely

Ms R.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Yeah, really. I come for the mockery. Maybe she's working on something offline?

I await......

Luka said...

*Rolls around, giggling*

O said...

What I find most amusing is a voice trying to disguise its accent. "Ay em no longer a sex bloggar," they enunciate, carefully. "Ay em a literate!" This is entertaining enough to tune into on a daily basis just to hear the gradual re-emergence of their true voice as the effort of maintaining the facade becomes too great to sustain.

We laugh because it's so true.

Could the problem be one of American accents, much like the dispute over whether twat thymes with hat? It's true that everyone reasonable knows twat does rhyme with hat, but maybe in the above instance the blogger is saying "Ay em no longer a sex blogger. Ay em illiterate." In American it almost sounds the same.

Luka said...

Hello, O, and welcome to the Boudoir! I hadn't considered the accent possibility. You could well have a point there.