Saturday, 28 July 2007

Go For It - Or, Rather, Don't.

One of the things the tight-knit sex blog community prides itself upon is the support fellow authors give to each other. Here, at last, are safe spaces where people can post their innermost desires and fantasies and not be judged. They can share the kind of personal details no-one in their real lives would ever be privy to. Here, in the anonymity of cyberspace, they can reveal what it takes to make them orgasm, what they like to insert into their various orifices, whether they like to rim, if they swallow all the spunk or let some dribble out, and how many stripes they wish to have caned across their arses.

The spirit of sharing is wonderful. The support given to each revelatory post is outstanding. "Bravo!" read the comments. "Oh, you lucky slut! I'm so envious!" And so on.

Occasionally I will read something that sets all my alarm bells jangling. I have read posts that truly shock me. Not the ones designed to shock, of course. I mean, yeah, yeah, so you got tied up and spunked over by 5 different men and all with an avacado up your arse. What do you want, some kind of award? (Well, you're in luck - I am sure some cybertwat somewhere is designing a crap meme-style Shockin' Blogger award you can gush all over at this very moment.)

No, sometimes I read something and think "You can't be serious. Surely you must know you have gone insane." Yet when I read the comments beneath, the sex blogging community have posted a very different verdict: "Wow! Hot stuff! Go for it!"

Which is all very well if you're posting about maybe buying some new thigh boots and a corset, or possibly shaving your pubic hair into a love heart or something. But when it's a post about meeting a stranger for sex because your cyber dom told you to, or about taking the kind of risks that could well end in a world of hurt for all concerned, or about the pain you've caused, or the cycle of abuse you want to escape and yet keep flinging yourself back into - when it's that kind of post you would hope at least one commentator would have the courage to speak up. Just one person to swim against the tide and say, "Actually, no. Don't go for it. It sounds grim and will most likely end badly."

Maybe the real friends do so in email and the blog posts and accompanying comments paint a false picture. I don't know. All I do know is that I read the "you should do whatever makes you feel sexiest" style comments and despair at the one-dimensional faux-hedonism of it all. What kind of advice is that? Yeah, do it! If anyone gets hurt, at least you got to do what makes you feel sexy! You might end up dead in a ditch, or divorced, or disillusioned and alone, but at least you got to do something that people you don't know pretended to feel aroused by! Woo!

It's a great little community.


Z said...

Maybe it was too harsh. I suspect there is often a lot more going on behind the scenes than is obvious in the comments box (and those, too are generally moderated, so it's quite possible that anything not fitting in with the poster's view of the world just gets deleted).

You can't really have it all ways, and the choice here is often between judgmental and unconditionally supportive. The danger is that people can believe too much in their own fan club, without considering that the fan club is in the position to rubberneck, rather than deal with the consequences. And let's face it, some commenters, as well as many bloggers, are fucking idiots.

I know what you mean about the WTF?? moment, though. At that point I normally just stop reading that person in disgust at their idiocy, and don't give them another thought. because that, of course, is my prerogative, and as easy to do as commenting: "You go girl! Wrecking your life is so worth it for a shag!" or: "What are you, a fucking moron? Get some therapy!" I don't have to pay the price for their mistakes, or live with their regret. It's supportive, all right, but it's worth remembering that it's not real life. We're all responsible for ourselves, and we can't necessarily count on the judgment of people who take vicarious pleasure in out exploits, and don't give us a second thought when they shut down the computer.

Ms Robinson said...

I think such things but you have said them Luka.x

Freddy said...

Bravo Luka!
Hear hear and all that.

The Man With Secrets said...

I am aware of at least a couple of situations as you describe. I don't comment on the blogs in question, but if possible, and if I have an emotional link to the person involved, I will make my views known in private. As do you. Yes, there will always be people cheering folk on as they do something daft - MTV has based the entire Jackass franchise on that one human characteristic - but I wouldn't assume that they are the only voices being heard.

This is a bit serious for you. How about some more arse gags?

Luka said...

Z - yes, I have read those who begin to believe their own hype. And, of course, what is displayed on blogs is not a true take on the reality of the situation. Yet still, given the very public friendships/love affairs/crushes that bloggers declare for each other I would hope that their public comments would reflect that same level of purported care when commenting on a potentially destructive situation. Instead what often occurs is the textual equivalent of a Jerry Springer studio audience.

Ms Robinson - I am the textual equivalent of a Big Mouth.

Freddy - thank you.

Man - Yes, I am sure there is more happening behind the scenes than is made public. However, it would be good to see some balance, some notes of caution posted here and there. Who knows, maybe it could even genuinely help someone, somewhere. Now that would be truly supportive.

Some things I take very seriously. Sorry, Man, turns out I am a multifaceted, three dimensional human being after all! Who'd have thought it?

me said...

Luka, i think you are right and clever in every dimension.

Email comments say so much more, if not just by content, but because they are not driven for the 'click-through' effect that many seek in the comment box.

having my cake said...

There are Arse gags now? OMG, Im so behind the times! Rushes to lovehoney to check them out...

A very good friend once encouraged me to 'go for it'. To be honest, Id already pretty much decided that I was going to anyway. If I hadnt chosen to act that way, then
I very much doubt that anything she could have said could have pushed me to do something that I didnt, at the bottom of my heart, really already want to do. Her words were more like the final seal of approval to an act I was already very much committed to. But then, maybe Im of a different generation to the 'It's not my fault, they made me do it' community we see so often out there. I do try to take responsibility for what Ive done. My conscience lashes me regularly on the possible consequences of my actions if they were to be discovered by those closest to me, the damage that I have done would be uncontainable. I could say, Ive done what Ive done because of x, y and z happening. But I wont say that. In the end, after a lot of soul searching, I made a selfish choice but if I hadnt done so,I wonder what sort of emotional state I would be in now.

Your post raises the question of responsibility. Responsibility for our comments as well as our actions and I, for one, will be thinking a little more carefully about my own comments with regard to their possible consequences in the future.

A thought provoking piece, Luka x

Luka said...

Thank you, Me. I think there will always be a degree of posturing in the comments box, which, in itself, is no bad thing.

Having My Cake - insightful comment, as usual. Thank you.
While everyone is ultimately responsible for their own actions, some people are more easily influenced by perceived peer pressure than others. There are those who have made some dubious choices based entirely on the fact that they were impressing an internet crush, for example, or who are intent on trying something that may not be best for them, in a bid to emulate another blogger's experience. Those who claim to care about the wellbeing of these particular individuals may indeed counsel caution in chat windows or email, but if they then go on to post a comment saying "Whew!You lucky minx! Will there be pics?" it undermines any of their sound advice and makes them look like shallow, popularity-hungry, inanity-babbling twats.

Wow. I provoked thought? I am proud. I shall reward myself.

Luka said...

Oh - and I believe a cucumber makes an excellent, and organic, impromptu arse gag. I saw it on xtube.

having my cake said...

Shame on you luka! There are probably about 15 halfwits out there right now gagging their arses with cucumbers, organic or otherwise because you've recommended it... :) Tsk tsk

Ariel said...

Well, at least the cucumber producers will benefit! I am personally more partial to courgettes, but not up my arse.

Luka said...

Having My Cake - yes, you're right, I forgot to post a note of caution about the need to use sufficient lube. I apologise to sore arsed impressionable readers everywhere.

Luka said...

Hello, Ariel. With most seasonal produce under a foot of water in many parts of England, we may be hard pushed in weeks to come to find any salad items to put up our arses. It is a crisis.

Freddy said...

The capacity for women (and men, although generally women) to become so infatuated of a male who they have never met that they would act solely on his suggestion, or indeed instruction amazes me. But it is a real phenomenon, and sadly there are men who will abuse their influence with no thought for the mental or physical well-being of their acolyte/slave.
Playing God is not an attractive character trait.

Luka said...

Freddy - indeed not. It is horrendously complex though, as while some may end up "playing god", there are those who want them to, as then they are absolved from responsibility for their own actions.

Lady in red said...

you are right of course about the lack of balance in the comments box. there are times when I would prefer to contact the blogger in private rather than post my worries in public.

I have myself received concerned emails from fellow bloggers who prefer to voic their concerns in this more private way

Luka said...

Lady in Red - I am very pleased to have learned that there is a lot more balance and genuine support happening behind the scenes.

flavia said...

Redundant, yes. Belated, yes. Meaningless (because you don't know me), yes.

Still, THANK YOU. Thank you for saying what I want to say so often.

Luka said...

Hello Flavia. Belated, possibly. Redundant or meaningless, no, never. It gladdens my heart to know I am not alone in my point of view.

Thank you.